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Hey, Joe Bob Briggs here, with Monster Vision. Excuse me if I'm a little hacked off tonight. You might of heard about it.
They barred me.last week from the Putt-Putt miniature golf course on Coit Road for putting a two-foot dent in a baby elephant. It wasn't MY fault. Mavis Hunley kept knocking her ball into the decorative concrete jungle-swamp water garden. And I told her, "Mavis, they got three-year-old kids that can hit the ball hard enough to get it up to the hole.
Hey, I'm Joe Bob Briggs, between features here on Monster Vision, and you know what I always say is: Any movie that starts off with a woman being diddled by a giant katydid can't be all bad.
Of course, you know what I'm talkin about. I'm talkin about "The Beast Within," our second feature tonight. First we had violent attack cats. Now we've got mutant insect sex. And you know what happens when THAT happens, don't ya?
Hey, Joe Bob Briggs, world-famous drive-in movie critic.
Like I have to tell you. Actually, I'm the world's ONLY drive-in movie critic, but let's not dwell on it. Well, now that the story is out to the worldwide media that I've been hired by TNT to do Monster Vision ever Friday night, it's gotten a little wild around here. Reporters surge into the airport everywhere I stop, demanding interviews, snapping pictures, trying to pry into my private life. Unfortunately for them, I don't USE the airport.
Hey, I'm Joe Bob Briggs again, and you'll notice that this is the time of night when we switch from color to black and white, because a movie like "The Hand," we've gotta pay like, 40 bucks, every time we use that flick, and the one coming up is designed for late Friday night, when nobody will remember what they watched tomorrow morning, and so we pay ten bucks for this one.
Dear Joe Bob,
First off I'm a huge fan of yours growing up"Monstervision" was always a must see and your commentary was always hilarious to watch. This past Halloween on AMC they aired "Motel Hell" which I instantly remembered seeing first on "Monstervision" and it made me smile. However now that I am older (26) I've given up on horror movies since the foundation of them are almost repetitive just with different actors.
Dear J B,
I wuz reeding wun of yur reeviews about thu Great CHUCK NORRIS himself, where CN goes bak 'n chopsockies a whole heapa bad guys whilst rescuin' a whole heapa
kiddies an' some wisecracker wuz sayin' thut thu bad guy chopper shoots more rockets than it could carry! Well thut jes' goes tu show thut them thar evil commies has lernt ta ree-load in mid-air! Ah hope
yer girlfrend Cherry Dilday is well.