Hey, Joe Bob Briggs, world-famous drive-in movie critic.
Like I have to tell you. Actually, I'm the world's ONLY drive-in movie critic, but let's not dwell on it. Well, now that the story is out to the worldwide media that I've been hired by TNT to do Monster Vision ever Friday night, it's gotten a little wild around here. Reporters surge into the airport everywhere I stop, demanding interviews, snapping pictures, trying to pry into my private life. Unfortunately for them, I don't USE the airport.
I'm driving around in my car. So mostly they just get pictures of beat-up luggage and guys carrying lap-top computers.
So: What am I doing here? All right, that's a fair question. It's NOT because I was cancelled off the last show I had on cable. I'm over that. It's no big deal. I'm in therapy. No, what's going on here, beginning tonight, is unique in the annals of American television. It's one of the annals that you don't hear much about. It's the annal of the monster movie. So it's unique in ONE annal, but what I'm talking about is the three B's: Blood, Breasts and Beasts. Only we can't show nekkid breasts cause it's basic cable and Ted would get upset. However, I get to watch the copy of the movie with the nekkid breasts in it, because I'm the star. It's called a perk. Actually, a perky.
Perky and nubile, that's what we're talkin about. So Blood and Beasts--although actually some of the blood we have to cut out, too--you know what? Never mind about the three B's. Forget that. Start over.
If you've never watched me before, then you've probly turned this off by now, and I did that on purpose. Because the only people still watchin at this point are the sick slimy scum like myself who have nothin better to do on a Friday night than engage in some major brain damage by watchin a double feature of flicks your mother probly HATES. First we're gonna watch "The Hand," which many people consider Oliver Stone's finest flick-well, one person in Newark, New Jersey, thinks that. And then our second feature is "The Creeping Unknown," which is a bunch of British guys in trenchcoats running around London chasing an anorexic astronaut who's mutating into a cactus, a monkey, and a rubberlegged octopus, all at once. You might wanna get pretty deep into the six-pack before you watch that one.
But right now it's Michael Caine as a troubled cartoonist, having a hard time dealing with his hand gettin hacked off, in "The Hand." I don't wanna tell you too much about it, cause it has a few surprises, but I will say that I liked Oliver Stone a WHOLE lot better back when he was making flicks like this one. Remember when he wrote "Conan the Barbarian," and "Midnight Express," and this one came out around 1981, and then Oliver just kinda went nutzoid, didn't he? You know, we LOVE him, but we wouldn't wanna do Tequila shooters with him, you know what I mean? All right, let's take a look at those drive-in totals. Five dead bodies. Four breasts. (Of course, YOU won't be seeing those. I can't believe, in America in 1996, you can't see a little breastage at 11:30 at night.) Mutilated snake. Two motor vehicle crashes, with explosion. Hand-hacking. Multiple strangulation. And, of course, the famous Hand-Cam, which sees the world from knuckle level. Three and a half stars. Check it out, and I'll see you later on tonight.
[fading] How was that? They can't fire me till the first show's over, right?
"The Hand," Commercial Break 1 Joe Bob Briggs
Remember when your mama always told you, "Don't stick your hand out the window, it might get cut off"? What she didn't tell you is that it might get cut off and go crawlin around in the grass and make your face all tensed up like Michael Caine's. Even his haircut is creepy, you know? Okay, coming up now, as we continue with "The Hand" . . . the Hand-Cam.
"The Hand," Commercial Break 2 Joe Bob Briggs
Andrea Marcovicci, the woman who plays Michael Caine's wife -don't you just hate her little New Age squat-in-a-leotard class Okay, coming up right now--there's gonna be a homeless bum. Look at his face REAL close. It's OLIVER! Oliver Stone his ownself. I know it's been slow--just HANG IN THERE, okay?
"The Hand," Commercial Break 3 Joe Bob Briggs
Wouldn't you like to take the hunky yoga teacher and just ram a two-by-four through his spaghetti-strap T-shirt? Is it just me, or is that guy a major weenie?
"The Hand, " Commercial Break 4 Joe Bob Briggs
Okay, this actress Annie McEnroe who comes over to have sex with Michael Caine--yummy! What happened to her? Doesn't she look like somebody you'd like to see in a lot of pictures? She had a couple little parts in "True Stories" and "Beetlejuice," then WHERE THE HECK DID SHE GO? And, more important, does anybody have her phone number? Whoa! There's more of her, but you don't get to see her nekkid. Only I do.
"The Hand," Commercial Break 5 Joe Bob Briggs
I've gotten to where I kinda LIKE the hand, you know? Okay, it looked cheesy at the beginning. And it looks cheesy when it jumps on somebody's neck and strangles em. But . . . yeah, you're right, it's real lame, isn't it? Forget what I said.
"The Hand," Commercial Break 6 Joe Bob Briggs
Michael Caine kinda grows on you. You start out the movie thinking, "Oh, yeah, Michael Caine, ho hum, seen it," and then he starts doing this tortured inner self dealie. I bet he would of got more credit for this, except it came out in the same year as "The Shining." Anyhow, we're headin for the good part now. Check this out.
Original Air Date: 6/28/96
Joe Bob Briggs