I'm Joe Bob Briggs, TNT's resident April Fool, and tonight, Corey Feldman joins a fraternity that has some interesting hazing traditions, in "Voodoo."
Corey Feldman, former child star and drug addict -- you guys know about that, right? It's a horrible thing to behold when someone you know keels over on the sidewalk, grabs his stomach and screams out, "Betty-Ford me! Betty-Ford me!" Unfortunately, we live today in an addictive society where these scenes are all too common. But as a representative of TNT in their diligent battle against those devil substances, I'm here to educate you. You can save your friends from suddenly flopping around on their stomachs like headless gators, frothing at the mouth and screaming out Judas Priest lyrics. You can be ALERT to the telltale Signs of Addiction. Have you or a loved one done any of the following things?
Number one: Your teenage daughter hasn't eaten solid food in three weeks, and she hasn't slept in six. She insists she's "just dieting and studying for a midterm."
Number two: Every time you pass a bar, your co-worker wants to stop in because "I love peanuts in a plastic bowl."
Three: Six guys come up to you after church and say, "Will you be bringing your wife to any more parties?"
Four: Your best friend tells you he has a computer program that's figured out what the point spread should be on the 2005 Super Bowl.
Five: The same best friend asks you to loan him $74,000 --" just till next Monday."
Six: When you take your secretary to Denny's, her only decision is whether to order the left side or the right side of the menu. Later, she orders the Nacho Plate "for the road."
Seven: Someone you dated three months ago calls to ask, "Did I leave my car over there?"
Eight: When the cop asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?," you answer, "You pulled me over?"
When the cop asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?," you answer, "Does this count on the final?"
And speaking of finals and all things educational, Corey Feldman shows up at his girlfriend's college and pledges to a VERY strange fraternity that forgoes goldfish swallowing in favor of murdering members of the rival fraternity and sleeping with dead girls, in the 1995 classic, "Voodoo." Hey, sometimes desperate measures are called for. Let's do those drive-in totals. We have: Seventeen dead bodies. Six undead bodies. One dead pig. Two fuzzy breasts. Salt-induced seizure. Bleeding ear. Needle to the neck. Multiple stabbing. Neck-breaking. Car hood-slamming. Bottle to the head. Pipe through the stomach. Barbie-doll Voodoo. Check it out, and I'll be here, as your voodoo expert.
[fading] By the way, if you answered yes to any of those questions I just asked, stop doing those nasty things. And tell your friends to stop. Just say no. Check yourself in somewhere. Track down that wagon and get on it. Don't make me tell you this again.
"VOODOO" Commercial Break #1
What a bitch. She leaves Corey Feldman standing there with the pet goat. But isn't it great to have a Corey Feldman movie again? What did we watch him in last? Was it "Friday the 13th, Part 4," as little Tommy? That was two Halloweens ago we showed those flicks. I know, it was "Gremlins," right? He was in that. Corey's kind of an interesting case study of child actors. Started out in a McDonald's ad at age three, did about 80 more commercials till he started doing movies and TV shows. Hit it big at 15 when he did "Stand by Me." BUT that's also where he learned to drink and smoke Arkansas polio weed with River Phoenix, and we all know what happened to HIM. By the time Corey did "The Lost Boys" -- another big hit -- he was doing coke up at Sam Kinison's house -- and we all know what happened to HIM. Then he divorced his parents cause they stole all his money, and got dumped by his stripper girlfriend, and decided he needed to do something more serious, so he started doing the big H. He did the voice of Donatello in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," but he was so out of it, they didn't let him do the sequel. You know things are bad when you're passed over for "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II." But they did let him do Part 3 -- apparently he got cleaned up for a while. Then he ended up speeding down the freeway FACING THE WRONG WAY, went through rehab, and got back on the stuff right after he got out. Got arrested three times -- that didn't do anything. And then finally something happened -- he kicked it, got into a 12-Step program, got sober. Good job, Corey. Okay, let's get back to "Voodoo," after the commercials.
[fading] Corey Feldman. The guy who convinced Nikki Dial to quit making porno flicks. Corey, let's not be ridiculous, okay? Fortunately, she broke up with him and put those puppies back up on the big screen where they belong.
"VOODOO" Commercial Break #2
Joel J. Edwards as Marsh, the creepy ringmaster of the Omega Zeta Mu's. He must not be doing too well in his classes -- what is he, about 30? Remember when we went down to New Orleans for the Superbowl and TNT hired a voodoo priestess to predict the outcome of the game, and I interviewed her in that creepy cemetery? She told me all kinds of stuff about voodoo, but of course, the crack TNT production team had found the only practicing Jewish voodoo priestess in the world, so I'm not sure how reliable the information was. By the way, the word "voodoo" comes from "vodun," which means god, spirit or sacred object in the language of West Africa. Of course, we Americans pretty much think of it as sticking pins and dolls to make our boss get a lethal case of diarrhea and so forth. Zombies -- those come from the voodoo religion. But it's much more complicated than that. For example, do you guys know what a wanga is? A girl being courted will try and hook her man by serving him food in which she's put a piece of bacon that she's worn in her shoe for three days. The bacon is the wanga. It's very complex. It all has to do with the soul, and emotions, and invoking the ancestral spirits . . . I'll try to organize my thoughts for the next break. Back to the flick, after the ads.
[fading] If a girl is playing hard to get, a guy can make a powder made of dried hummingbird flesh and herbs, and blow it on her. The wanga. The wanga is also an ingredient in the cheese blintz. But don't blow a cheese blintz on anybody. It's disgusting.
"VOODOO" Commercial Break #3
This is interesting . . . I have here the report the Humane Association did on this flick. They monitored the scenes with the goat, and the scenes with the snake in the bed, but I think they missed the DEAD PIG. How did that happen? By the way, you guys recognize the professor, the one that was doing the dead pig lecture? She was one of the bad guys in the first two "Superman" movies -- remember her? Lifting busses and hurling manhole covers at Christopher Reeve. Sarah Douglas, English actress. Here she's reunited with Corey Feldman after their fine work together in "Meatballs 4." But, of course, my favorite Sarah Douglas flick is "Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time." Or "Conan the Destroyer," but she's not in that a heck of a lot. Or "The Return of Swamp Thing." Shoot, I hate when there's so many to choose from. I like ALL of Sarah's movies. Okay, commercials, and then back to "Voodoo."
[fading] I'm not aware of tattooing being part of the Voodoo tradition. I've checked the West African practices, the Haitian practices -- which we're all familiar with from the great Wes Craven flick, "The Serpent and the Rainbow." I've even checked Jamaican practices. In Jamaica, it's not called voodoo, it's called obeah. I think tattooing is part of the Hollywood voodoo practices. The Sunset Boulevard sect. They tried to get Johnny Depp to be their priest, but he said no. One thing all voodoo traditions agree on: When the creepy old man with stringy hair hiding in the bushes says you're in danger, you're in danger.
"VOODOO" Commercial Break #4
"Salt is to zombies what garlic is to vampires." Salt?? Must be tough to be a frat boy and avoid salt. Don't those guys LIVE on potato chips and Top Ramen? How come I never heard of that? Anyhow, let's talk about things frat boys DO like, [enters] yes, Rusty the TNT Mail Girl has arrived for what we call "Joe Bob's Advice to the Hopeless," where we read your mail on TV.
RUSTY: Doesn't the "TV" part go without saying?
J.B.: Honey, don't overestimate the intelligence of our audience. You know, I just thought of a real voodoo practice that would be useful to frat boys.
RUSTY: I don't know if I want to hear this.
J.B.: Let's say somebody's mad at you and they give you something to drink that makes you throw up. That's pretty common in fraternities, right?
RUSTY: Yeah . . .
J.B.: If they've done a voodoo spell on you, you'll throw up symbols of your discomfort, like lizards, pieces of bark, maybe a big centipede.
J.B.: No, the vomiting is brings you back to yourself, because the spell is kinda like a possession. So what you do is, you put whatever you vomited up in a bottle and top it off with rum, and then you can use the stuff to treat other people in need.
J.B.: I'm just trying to be of service.
"Dear Joe Bob,
"I am a 12-year-old from Kentucky. I guess you could call me a hick, but I might have to Michael Myers on you. By the way, what the heck was 'Halloween 3' all about? Was Michael Myers making all these masks or something. I don't know what the producers were drinking when they made it but it should be used as a pain killer. Anyways, I was just wondering what your favorite movie is. Mine is 'Night of the Living Dead' the remake. Tell the Mail Girl I'm single. Even though I'm twelve I can still be her man.
"Brian Dougherty, Hopkinsville, Kentucky."
J.B.: "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," bud. There IS no second place. Try the "MonsterVision" Web site at tnt.turner.com/joebob for our upcoming schedule. Rusty, weren't you telling me just last week, "If I could only find the perfect 12-year-old hunka hunka burning love . . ."? Brian, it might be time to MAKE YOUR MOVE.
RUSTY: Actually, I was thinking I was getting kind of lonely out here in L.A., and maybe it was time to give US a shot.
J.B.: What "us"?
RUSTY: You know. You and me.
J.B.: [long beat] What's the catch?
RUSTY: [getting up] Oh, forget it. If you're gonna make it difficult--
J.B.: Wait wait wait, I could give "us" a shot.
[Rusty sits back down]
J.B.: Um, would you like you like to have dinner on Friday?
RUSTY: [smiles, then] April Fool's. [exits]
J.B.: Don't come crawlin to me when you start puking up lizards, you hear me?
"VOODOO" Commercial Break #5
All right, I'm really confused. Is Corey Feldman dead or alive? He's got the tattoo, but Jack Nance is talkin to him like a regular guy. That's Jack Nance, by the way, as the kooky father, reunited with Corey Feldman from their good old days of "Meatballs" 3 and 4. I think this whole movie is a "Meatballs 4" reunion. And we certainly can't have too many of those, can we? Anyhow, Jack received relative fame after "Twin Peaks," till he was murdered in 1996 after a fight in a Winchell's donut shop. You know what else confuses me? When Corey Feldman goes to his girlfriend -- the lovely Diane Nadeau as Rebecca -- and tells her that the fraternity is a voodoo cult, she says, "I'm gonna stay behind and look into this, and if we find anything we're going to the administration." And she would be finding . . . what? Voodoo evidence in the chem lab? Well, let's see if she turns anything up, after the commercials.
[fading] I forgot to give out my snail mail address when the Mail Girl was here. You can write me care of TNT, 1010 Techwood Drive, Atlanta, Georgia 30318. Is Marsh controlling Corey Feldman, or is the circle of salt going to protect him? You guys know the REAL use of the circle of salt in Voodoo, don't you? Prepping the voodoo margarita glass. And lemme say just one thing about this upcoming Corey Feldman scene: Mullet alert. That's all I'm gonna say.
"VOODOO" Commercial Break #6
Oh, good grief, we all knew Erik was a big fat liar. Erik does the old jiggling under the hood to get the car started routine. Followed by the pretend to hug your father and then break his neck trick. Ron Melendez is Erik. You may remember Ron from "Children of the Corn 3" and "The Unborn 2." Hey, did Rebecca ever find anything in those files? Oh, that's right, the professor interrupted her. Darn. Now she can't go to the administration, because . . . the administration's in on it! Everyone's in on it! It's the University of Voodoo! Otherwise known as Voodoo U. Well, we'll figure it out. Continue.
[fading] There is something similar to this in real voodoo. There are things that embody a very strong magic, called bakas. Marsh could have a baka. Bakas are used by greedy men to gain power, but the owner of it has to offer it the life of one of his relatives every year unless he wants to be devoured by it himself. And what are guys in fraternities called? Brothers. So maybe the screenwriters knew what they were talking about. Or maybe they just said, "Hey, let's do a slasher movie in a frat house!" "Cool!"
Aw, she loved Corey after all, didn't she? I still say she's a bitch. Anyhow, that dream sequence was a little homage to the end of "Carrie," I suppose. And so ends "Voodoo."
Okay, I wanna let you know that next week is Psycho Daddy Night, when we'll show "The Stepfather." He slices, he dices, and then he moves onto the next family to do the same to them. And that's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that a bartender is a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A big shot business man has to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He's a royal pain to the nurses, bossing them around like he does his employees. None of the hospital staff wants anything to do with him, and the head nurse is the only one who can stand up to him. One day she comes into his room and says, "I have to take your temperature." Guy complains for several minutes, and then he settles down, crosses his arms and opens his mouth. The head nurse says, "I'm sorry, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This starts another round of complaining, but eventually the guy rolls over and bares his hiney. He feels the nurse insert the thermometer, and then she says, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as people walk past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the guy's doctor comes into the room and says, "What's going on here?" Guy says, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" Doctor says, "Well, no, I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation, anyway."
Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die. [fading] You guys know what the Grateful Dead fan said the day after he gave up pot? Dang, this music sucks.
Two and half stars
Joe Bob says check it out.