Movie Reviews

Immortal Combat (1994)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

Listen up, hon.

Whoops! I called you HON.

I do this a lot.

I say "hon" so much to women that I probably qualify for some kind of Clarence Thomas scholarship to Bob Roberts University.

Actually, I have to say, I've never had a single woman get mad at me for callin' her "hon," and I've said it to THOUSANDS.

What's the deal here? Shouldn't I have at least 37 lawsuits filed against me by now? Shouldn't I at least get sent to Vassar Sensitivity Training or something?

How can I say "hon" with impunity?

Read more: Immortal Combat (1994)

 

Rescue Me (1992)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

I've been reading this best-seller called "Secrets of Seduction: How To Be the Best Lover Your Woman Ever Had," which right away gets depressing, because it implies that, if you're reading the book, you already HAVE a woman. Don't they realize that only LONELY GUYS read books like this?

Anyhow, it's by this woman named Brenda Venus, which I don't know about you, but the name sounds like somebody who works with a snake in the Trocadero Lounge in Reno.

Read more: Rescue Me (1992)

 

Repossessed (1990)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

Since it's turkey-hunting season again, I know I'm gonna get major flack from Wanda Bodine as soon as I whip out the old full-choke twelve-gauge, jump into a camouflage jumpsuit, and put on my hat with the little ear flaps.

For the last three, four years, Wanda's been on this animal-rights binge which includes TURKEYS. Like they're not gonna die anyway! Like the zoos of America are gonna close because there aren't enough TURKEYS to look at!

Read more: Repossessed (1990)

   

The Relic (1997)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

I have this friend named Lana-better known as Lana Banana to her 70 million girlfriends-who never has mastered parallel parking but still considers herself the expert on every topic since the invention of the travel version of Scrabble.

But when you ask her HOW she knows something is true, it's always because of a story from her personal life that happened in 1973 and requires 45 minutes to tell.

Read more: The Relic (1997)

 

The Refrigerator (1991)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

Remember in the old movies, when the detective would go the stylish home of the beautiful, mysterious woman, to question her in the investigation surrounding the murder of her husband Charles?

"I can't imagine who would want to hurt Charles," she would say. "He was such a kind and gentle man."

And we would know something was wrong, and the detective would search, and probe, and investigate, and finally he would find out . . . that Charles was an alcoholic, a gun-lover, a man who liked to humiliate his wife in public, a collector of sadistic porno, and the kind of guy who would kick a dog.

Read more: The Refrigerator (1991)

   

Red Sun Rising (1994)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

You ever know a woman who says, "It's so nice to meet a guy who's not a JERK"?

Is this supposed to be a compliment?

Isn't this about like saying, "Your intelligence appears to be higher than a sea otter. That's GREAT."

Read more: Red Sun Rising (1994)

 

Red Shoe Diaries (1992)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

A few weeks ago a bunch of scientists went over to Iran and dug up some ugly yellow pottery and scraped the slime off a jar and held a press conference to announce that man was drinking beer as early as the year 3500 B.C.

It wasn't light beer, either. These jars they dug up have TWO handles on em. The ancient Iranians evidently ordered by the pitcher.

Read more: Red Shoe Diaries (1992)

   

Red Lips (1995)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

About once a week somebody begs me to write a letter or march down Pennsylvania Avenue or carry a sandwich board for The Arts.

The government is killing The Arts.

The Romney's of the world are trying to get rid of the National Endowment.

Read more: Red Lips (1995)

 

Raw Nerve (1999)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

I knew it was a bad idea. Wanda Bodine took Ugly-on-a-Stick to get a facial the other day.

I said, "Wanda, the reason they're called 'facials' is that they're intended for people who have FACES."

"A facial is a way of bringing out the inherent inner beauty lurking just below the surface of your dirty skin," Wanda told me. "They peel off layer after layer after layer until you find your beauty layer."

Read more: Raw Nerve (1999)

   

Page 2 of 43