Lawsuit Madness

WRITING - Joe Bob's America

Somebody is suing the Cub Scouts for discrimination.


Evidently the Cub Scouts have been forcing impressionable young elementary-school students to say some offensive, horrible thing about GOD somewhere in the Cub Scout Oath, and it's DISCRIMINATORY against nine-year-old atheists.

I don't make this stuff up.

Somewhere, please, I beg you, somewhere in this country, do we have a federal judge who will say, once, "Get out of my courtroom. You people are SILLY"?

Is this possible? Is there anybody left in the government, or the media, who occasionally thinks that maybe, just maybe, there are times when people get their feelings hurt because they're rejected, or excluded, or belittled, and we should just DO NOTHING?

Because listen to me: Everybody is rejected. Everybody is excluded. Everybody is belittled. Some people, like me, have made a career of being rejected, excluded and belittled. Every Charlie Chaplin movie is about the little tramp with the mustache and top hat being rejected, excluded and belittled. If you made those movies today, you'd have Charlie filing class-action suits and then making snide remarks when he won. You'd end up HATING the guy for becoming just like his enemies.

Let's think of it this way. Some guy starts a club that's based on everything I'm not. It's a club for Mexican musicians living in Miami who play golf.

I'm not Mexican. I'm not a musician. I don't live in Miami. And I don't play golf. So they're not gonna let me in the club.

Wait a minute. What do you MEAN there not gonna let me in the club? If they don't want me in the club, then, by God, I'm gonna BE in the club! I'm suing. I'm going to court.

This is the American way now, right?

So what I wanna know is, what happens when the federal judge rules that they have to let me into the club? What are we gonna talk about at the meetings?

"Buenos dias, Senor Briggs! What's your handicap?"

"I don't know what you said to me, but if it's about GOLF, I already told you--I don't PLAY golf."

After several conversations like this, I'm sure we'd be fast friends.

The lawyers who make careers out of filing these lawsuits say that the point is that, if I ever wanna do business and make deals in Miami, then I NEED to join "El Club de Golfa." Because that's where the POWER is in Miami. That's where you've GOT to be if you're gonna be a player. They're not letting me in that club because they're PREJUDICED against non-golfing non-Mexican people who don't live in Miami. So it doesn't matter that it's a CLUB. There's important "networking" going on in that place, and we need ACCESS to it, we poor pitiful neglected belittled hurt-feelinged people.

I have a simpler solution. It goes like this:

"I don't NEED your club."

Because I don't. And you don't. And they don't. There's an older American tradition that believes ANY kind of club that excludes anybody for any reason is un-American, so why do we suddenly wanna start giving credence to these people by trying to JOIN?

Meanwhile, leave the Cub Scouts alone. They put the word "God" in there a hundred years ago. It's always been a requirement for membership. Or just do what I did, in Wolf Den, Cub Scout Pack 134: I said the oath every week for three years and never had the SLIGHTEST idea what any of it meant. This is actually a very ancient and revered tradition among everyone who has ever been a Cub Scout. I would even say that this is what 99 per cent of us did.

But leave the Cubbies alone. There are people trying to get into the courts because they've REALLY been deprived of rights.

Enough is enough.