Bigots Unite

WRITING - Joe Bob's America


The Complete History of Bigotry in America:

First some British bigots hassled the Puritans, so the Puritans went to Holland and became Pilgrims.

Then some Spanish bigots threatened to hassle the Pilgrims for not being Catholic, and so the Pilgrims moved to Plymouth

Then the Pilgrims became bigots and passed laws hassling everyone who didn't do it the Pilgrim way, and then the Pilgrims became Puritans again and moved their big-time bigot act to Boston. In 1692 they executed some witches and people said "Lemme out of here."

To escape the bigots, people fled to Rhode Island and formed the freest government in the history of man. These people became Babtists, who are among our biggest bigots today.

Here's where it gets complicated.

The English bigots started fighting with the Dutch bigots over which form of bigotry would be used in New York City. As we know, this is a fight that continues today.

But some OTHER English bigots established a Bigot Capital in Virginia and started hiring professional bigots to bring slaves over from Africa.

This is the point where bigotry enters a more civilized stage. It becomes LEGAL.

Then the French bigots, afraid they were being left out, killed a bunch of Indians and took over Canada. I'm not going into Canada, except to say: They're STILL there, in Montreal.

Let's see, what's next? Oh yeah--the PIONEERING bigots. These were people who started starving in Ireland and Scotland, because the governments were full of bigots who didn't care what happened to potato farmers and cattle clans. So they came over to America and slashed-and-burned their way west, killing Indians as they went, and formed what is known today as Texas.

I don't think I need to elaborate on this.

Next we had some of those pesky Catholic bigots, trying to slip back in by SNEAKING up into California. Fortunately they were pushed out of the western states by the Mormon bigots.

Now there were so many bigots in America that people had to have some place to go. So they went to Chicago--to escape the Polish bigots over in Europe, the Irish bigots, the Czech bigots, the Greek bigots and the Eyetalian bigots. This way they were able to form ethnic neighborhoods and create whole new ways of thinking about bigotry. Chicago got so full of bigots that they started killing one another, and nobody wanted to go there anymore.

Then all the Texas bigots beat Mexico in a war to firmly establish bigotry on the continent.

Then the Massachusetts bigots and the Chicago bigots beat the southern bigots in a war. This created a new class of people called "freed slaves" which made the southern bigots so mad that they became WORSE bigots and (we're skipping ahead here now) eventually drove the freed slaves to Detroit. Once they got to Detroit, the European bigots became additionally bigoted, and left town so that the third or fourth generation of freed slaves could become good upstanding American bigots in their own right.

Every once in a while we would need someone to work at Denny's, so we would open up Ellis Island and let people who were escaping bigots come to America. This provided us with a thrifty working class for about two generations, until they became, of course, bigots.

By the twentieth century, bigotry in all its wonderful forms was so well established that we started classifying bigots in more sophisticated ways. So we had racist bigots (according to the ancient tradition), religious bigots (even more ancient), sexist bigots, and a dazzling array of university courses in the various forms of bigotry, even including "sizists" (bigots who hate fat people and/or skinny people).

Finally, there were people who devoted their lives to defining bigots, identifying bigots, fighting bigots, and pointing their fingers at various types of bigots. These people are called "professors."

Then the professors started fighting among themselves, and one group of professors started calling the other group "politically correct." They had figured out, finally, that the bigot-identifiers had become--you guessed it--bigots. This happened about 1986.

Ever since then the bigot-bashing professors have been whaling away, identifying bigots among the bigot-identifiers. Are you following this?

We now have bigots who hate bigots whose job it is to hate bigots.

Only in America.