Movie Reviews

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

Have you noticed how closing times at bars get earlier and earlier?

What's going on here? Certain cities and states now have bars that close at MIDNIGHT, just like in Communist countries like Sweden.

Didn't we already find out in the 1920s what happens when you monkey around with a man's drinking habits?

Read more: Rumpelstiltskin (1995)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

Everybody in Hollywood is a cynic, of course, so I have a question.

How come, no matter how cynical they are, no matter whether they're producers, directors, actors or grips, no matter how many horrible casting stories they've seen, they still believe-all of them, no exceptions-in the concept of Talent. I mean, some call it talent, some call it genius, some call it acting ability. But they all believe there's some mysterious quality that separates the good actor from the bad one.

Read more: Rumble in the Streets (1996)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

You ever go to one of these groovy tourist towns like Santa Fe, or Sedona, or Eureka Springs, Arkansas, where they sell genuine folk art paintings of cows wading through a stream and necklaces with turquoise roosters painted on em?

Wouldn't you expect some 85-year-old Ozarks lady with wrinkly hands to be selling this stuff? Or maybe an 85-year-old lady and her 92-year-old whittling, fiddle-playing husband?

Read more: Romeo: Love Master of the Wild Women's Dorm (1995)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

There have been umpteen jillion parodies of James Bond, the most famous of which are the "Matt Helm" movies starring Dean Martin in the sixties. (Of course, some would say that one of the official Bonds, "Casino Royale," is itself a parody of the whole series.) I can't say I've watched every single one of em, but the funniest for my pesos is "Rod Steele: 0014," which is one of those strange little sleepers that turned up on late night cable and is now being officially released five years later.

Read more: Rod Steele (2001)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

I guess I'm the last guy in the world who thinks cigarettes are okay.

PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.

Lately there's been a slew of articles and news magazine shows about how EVIL the tobacco companies are. They're actually trying to get people to SMOKE CIGARETTES.

Read more: Road Kill USA (1993)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

This week I'm wondering why those fat, cow-faced husbands on "Oprah" never defend themselves.

You know the guys I'm talking about? They bring out some chunky, ticked-off Jenny Craig dropout with a lab experiment on her head, resulting in Blonde Meltdown, and she says, "Oprah, I found out he was sleeping with three of my best friends, and sometimes all four of them would make love on the couch while I was sleeping in the next room. I had NO IDEA this was going on."

Read more: Ring of Fire 3 (1993)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

There's a guy named Rico in the movie "R.I.C.C.O.," except it's not his real name, and there's a reason he calls himself Rico, because he's daring the government to bust him under the RICO statute, except that statute is spelled RICO not RICCO, and when we finally find out what "R.I.C.C.O." really means, it turns out to be Regional Covert Crime Organization, except that would be spelled RCCO or, at best, RECCO.

Read more: R.I.C.C.O (2002)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

Last week I was in New York City again, doing research on geek liberals, and I went down to 42nd Street and Times Square to check for slime and found out there's a full-scale Communist Assault going on, with three of the finest exploitation moviehouses in American about to be condemned, closed up, rebuilt by guys that wear goat beards and wire-rim glasses, and given to gay symphony organizations to make 300 bad PBS specials a year.

Read more: Return of the Living Dead Part II (1988)