Hey, listen up.
They don't have any Vietnamese members of the Shoal Creek Country Club in Birmingham, Alabama, either. They don't have any Bulgarian immigrants. They don't have any Iraqis. And, most important, they don't have any NERDS.
Judging by the press last week during the big hoohaw PGA tournament, you would think these people had never been inside a country club before. It was enormous news that the club didn't have any black members, implying that the membership committee didn't LIKE blacks.
Lemme explain something: Country clubs don't like ANYBODY. It's not limited to blacks. It includes white trash, people who got rich too fast, K-Mart shoppers, single women with enormous garbonzas, poor people, anybody who just moved to Birmingham but doesn't run a Fortune 500 company, porno-store owners (no matter how rich they are), Meskins, Eyetalians, Japaheenos, Army privates, lesbians, and people named "Joe Bob."
But do you know the difference between the black protesters and all the rest of us who wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of ever being asked to join the club?
We don't WANT to join the club.
We don't give a flying frijole.
Didn't anybody see "Revenge of the Nerds"? Don't we remember the lessons of the past? Doesn't anybody believe in the famous Robert Carradine "Nerd Anthem" speech at the end of the movie, after the frat boys have trashed his house? And who stood by him in that deal? BLACK PEOPLE. Because the black people in the movie had their OWN fraternity that did NOT discriminate against white people. You don't win by trying to get into their club. You win by starting YOUR OWN club.
I started one a few years ago. It's for handicapped people. It's based on the assumption that we're all handicapped. Ever last one of us. The only people we exclude are the people who don't BELIEVE they're handicapped. (Write in to me and I'll send you our "We Are The Weird" newsletter.)
But whatever black guy joins Shoal Creek is not doing anything for black people OR white trash OR nerds OR immigrants. He's just making it possible for these jerkolas to keep on blackballing the nerds and mutants and geeks and weirdos and perverts and . . . well . . . all my close personal friends.
Some of those mutant geek weirdos are over in the camel-jockey desert right now making sure the members of Shoal Creek have enough Super Unleaded to put in their Volvos.
You people that wanna join this club are SICK.
Go watch "Revenge of the Nerds" again. It's all explained in there.
In the meantime, let's get back to the important things in life, like "The Invisible Maniac," the finest movie about somebody becoming invisible since "The Invisible Kid" two years ago, which, come to think of it, wasn't that great a movie, and today it's practically invisible. In fact, movies about invisible men have been all downhill since the very first one, "The Invisible Man," came out in 1933? Remember when Claude Rains unwraps the bandages on his face--and he has no head? Nobody's ever topped that scene, even though there have been about thirty invisible-man movies since then.
Anyhow, "The Invisible Maniac" is sort of Claude-Rains-Meets-The-Nutty-Professor, with a nerdy psycho physics professor giving himself invisible-man serum injections so he can sneak up on blonde cheerleaders and rip their blouses off. Unfortunately, he had an unhappy childhood. His mama used to do things like brick up the windows in his room. So, if any of the girls make fun of him, he has to rip their throats out.
Maybe, now that I think of it, it's more like Claude-Rains-Meets-Jason. I hope you notice that, in every great slasher film, it's always Mama's fault.
The best parts of the movie are when the professor is invisible. You know this because everybody's clothes start flying off for no reason, and all the male students start staggering backward like they're being beat up by Mike Tyson.
Thirty-nine breasts. Eleven dead bodies. Cheerleader-crunching. Letter-opener stabbing. Hero-sandwich face-stuffing. Rip-away bras. Tropical-aquarium drowning. Two shower scenes. Excellent plunge off an eight-story building. Fire hose Fu. Head-blown-off-with-a-shotgun Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Noel Peters, as the invisible maniac professor, for dictating things into his tape recorder like "I'm injecting the serum into the bunny rabbit now" and for saying "I was inexplicably drawn to the girls locker room"; Shannon Wilsey, as Vicky the blonde, for saying "I need an A to graduate, and I'd be willing to do ANYTHING"; Sheila Blalack, as the principal, for saying "If you want to go to college, all you have to do is make me feel like a woman"; and Marilyn Adams, as the maniac professor's mother, for saying reassuring things like "You filthy stinking pervert!"
Joe Bob says check it out.