Yeah, I’m gonna glue my eyeballs to the old Clinton Road
I’m gonna watch ’til I can’t no more

Ice-T plays an exposition-delivering night club owner and we get six clueless people wandering around the woods near where this guy’s wife disappeared in a quest for the dreaded “closure” for himself and his missing wife’s sister in Clinton Road.

Clinton Road Ice T - Ben Nagy reviews Clinton Road 'til he cain't no more
Ice-T dominates the first third of Clinton Road where he gets to talk about all the weird (rhymes with snit) he saw while driving out there one night. (All photos courtesy Midnight Releasing)

If you get through the first 22 minutes dominated by the Ice-Man warning these fools not to go to this road in the New Jersey backwoods because the place is dark and evil and that he once experienced a time loop involving a lady hitchhiker back in the day, then buckle up, because the next 56-some odd (and I do mean odd) minutes are filled with off-screen deaths, irrational behavior beyond the norm we’ve come to expect from horror characters and the most directionally challenged killer stalker in motion picture history.

The guy with the missing wife, Mike (Ace Young), isn’t too bereaved. He dons a Justin Timberlake hat and joins his sister-in-law Isabella (Katie Morrison) and four other people, including his new gal, Kayla, at a night club where the stars whose names are featured on the poster hang out.

They’re joined by multi-colored-eyed mystic Begory and his girlfriend Gianna and Mike’s pal Tyler. Begory’s been hired by Mike and Isabella to use his psychic powers to figure out what happened to Jessica — Mike’s bride and Isabella’s sister, who presumably was the woman in the flick’s first scene being stalked by this bald bearded guy in the woods.

Clinton Road Brigory - Ben Nagy reviews Clinton Road 'til he cain't no more
Multi-colored-eyed mystic Begory (James DeBello) leads the quest for closure on Clinton Road, has a seizure and then his topless girlfriend aardvarks his prone body before he gets bludgeoned by a bearded Ironworker.

The six imbibe and party at Ice-T’s club. Kayla’s earring gets ripped out. They leave the club. Back at their apartment, Mike and Kayla aardvark after Kayla says she supports Mike’s pursuit of closure in trying to find his missing wife. Then they head out into the woods where all six of them face the peril of the haunted Clinton Road.

Stylish filmmakers show rather than tell. Sometimes production constraints force a filmmaker to tell rather than show. Unfortunately, there are portions where Clinton Road does neither. So we get Jessica, that opening victim who we’re not sure whether she really ended up a victim.

We get a dude dragged into a creek by an unseen monster. We get a lot of aimless wandering, with and without limping, in the woods. We get another victim carried off screen and never seen again. Not even a body reveal or a pile of meat that could have maybe passed for remains. We get two characters who show up in the waning minutes with the intent to aardvark in a Dodge in the middle of the road who I guess ended up adding to the body count, maybe.

All the inconsistencies, and these are just a few — I didn’t even get into the Living Dead Girl wandering around screaming at everbody or Mike’s transcendental gastric cramping as the film wound down — are explained away in a post-credits scene where another random character shows up (a truck driver) who’s driving down the stretch of road, sees Ice-T’s hitchhiker from the exposition dump early in the flick, and explains that he’s driving through H-E-double hockey sticks.

With a runtime of about an hour and 20, there was something missing. Might have been the cut I was given. Maybe not.

bloody best 300x201 - Ben Nagy reviews Clinton Road 'til he cain't no more
Clinton Road kiss - Ben Nagy reviews Clinton Road 'til he cain't no more
Mike and Isabella kiss in the scene described immediately above but before Clinton Road’s sucky drivers claim another victim.

A star and a half.

Clinton Road is available on Vudu, iTunes, Google Play and YouTube. You can also get it on DVD.

Gonna be off next week on the occasion that I’m going to be attending the WKRP Thanksgiving Turkey Toss, but I’ll be back the week after with another review. Hope you all have a great holiday, and please don’t be like the Ironworker and bludgeon anyone over a Blu-ray, no matter how awesome a Black Friday deal it is!

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Ben Nagy

Ben Nagy has written and edited stuff for newspapers, magazines and websites and randomly showed up on the doorstep of Joe Bob’s booth one day after a commute from Cleveburg. After watching Joe Bob present “Motel Hell” on “Monstervision” in college in 1996, Ben knew he’d make it through. You can follow him on Twitter @BJ_Nagy, and he’s at most of the usual Joe Bob-related social media haunts if you want to say hi.