Hunkering down is no picnic during a pandemic, especially when a certain demand isn’t met …

When we last saw our intrepid crew from The Last Drive-In back in August, the world hadnโt gone to as much heck and the Hell Year that is 2020 was slightly less hellish.
Way back when, oh, in those halcyon glory days of two months ago, Joe Bob, Darcy, Austin, John, Yuki and Ernie could have even guests over. Remember then? Heck, they could have umpteen guests over in their pajamas, dontcha know?
But, yeah. things got worse, and so the LDI folks were forced to pack up as much whiskey, food and satellite equipment as they could haul, snag Ernieโs terrarium and head on out to New Jersey. Cause where else is safer to hang out during a pandemic than where the original Friday the 13th was shot?
This yearโs Halloween Hideaway was a little different from last yearโs Halloween special, to be sure. Except one thing was the same:
No Halloween III.
To be sure, a certain segment of the Mutant Fam (led by Darcy, whoโs been known to sport a Tom Atkins shirt herownself) wasnโt happy that they didnโt get to see that two-star Invasion of the Body Snatchers redux (Joe Bobโs rating and description, not mine) and Atkins romance Stacy Nelkin as kids get their heads mashed into goo by masks infused by the power of Stonehenge.
And yes, the Mutant ire may have been rightfully amplified by the clue that the flicks to be featured in Halloween Hideaway both featured โhomicidal druids.โ
But when the Mutants think they have all the answers, JBB changes the questions, just like his old pal Roddy Piper used to. Itโs his right as the worldโs foremost, greatest and legendary drive-in movie reviewer to do so. And besides, if you donโt keep the audienceโs blood pumping a little bit, they might get complacent like a U.S. diplomat wondering if his son is truly the Antichrist.
So next special, keep in mind the following โ
Rule Number Uno: Donโt believe what you see in the posters.
Rule Number Two-o: They donโt make it easy. Obvious = boring.
Besides, wouldnโt you rather see something that they havenโt hosted?
Iโm in that camp to be honest and was pleasantly surprised by the selections for this yearโs Halloween double feature. I hadnโt seen either Haunt or Hack-o-Lantern. I hadnโt even heardof Hack-o-Lantern, which, judging from the title and era, I would have expected being some kind of Troma-type flick with either a guy in a pumpkin mask killing trick-or-treaters or a giant rolling pumpkin monster that shot out knives or other implements during a night-long killing spree (Tagline: This time the pumpkin smashes you!).
But when you bring up something as sensitive and polarizing as Halloween III in the midst of a pandemic when peopleโs nerves are already frayed, you canโt really blame its fans for lashing out.
Heck, five minutes after arriving at the LDI Cabin in the Woods (leased for nine months), Joe Bob had the nerve to ask Darcy to stock the kitchen (kudos to John Brennan for stepping up). You could tell that things were gonna get ugly between them in about four-and-a-half hours. Never mind that Joe Bob and Austin are members of the Order of the Arrow and follow the motto of being prepared to survive no matter what (except when they forget stuff).
So Joe Bob is on Darcyโs last nerve even before the four-star Haunt gets rolling with its

โข 11 Dead Bodies
โข 17 Jump Scares
โข 1 Inferno
โข Pumpkin Smashing
โข Spider Vodka Guzzling
โข Bullet Through the Cranium
โข Cell Phone Confiscation
โข Scalding Fire Poker to the Face
โข Pitchfork Through the Brain
โข Pitchfork Through the Body
โข Nail Gun Attack
โข Claw Hammer Mouth Ripping
โข Multiple Body Bags
โข Baseball Bat to the Skull
โข Superglue Flesh Ripping
โข Claustrophobic Passageway
โข Steel Dart to the Neck
โข Cement Block Head Squashing
โข Eye Stabbing
โข “Guess the Body Parts” Sensory Thrill Game
โข Hand Stomping
โข Shovel to the Head
โข Head Rolls
โข Hand Rolls
โข Stalker Fu
โข Trance Music Fu
โข Clown Fu
โข Red Filter Fu
โข Body Bag Fu
โข Rubber Spider Fu
โข Chainsaw Fu
โข Steam Fu
โข Escape Room Fu
โข Sledgehammer Fu
โข Shotgun Fu
The flick is the cautionary tale from Scott Beck and Bryan Woods about visiting that secluded scare attraction with just one Yelp review that donates part of its proceeds to the American Red Cross. Haunt featured creeps in a mutilation cult mutilating visitors and — even more heinously — stealing their smart phones.
It had a couple standout kills (the pitchfork through the head was especially impactful) and we did get to meet Mitch, that all-too-helpful haunt actor who admits to the visitors that โWeโre a little extreme here, but safety is a priority.โ
And as the first feature rolled, Joe Bob got stalked, some of the crew got fed up and left, making Austin cope with too much to do and not enough bodies to help. Yuki went up a tree to set up a satellite feed for a yet-to-be-known purpose (can a Zoom call with Mangled Dick Expert Felissa Rose be in our future), and Brennan started flinging knives.
Darcy reminded Joe Bob that he needed to get a costume on in time for the second feature, and also took over Yukiโs customary job as The One Who is Bequeathed the Bolo for Silverfication (not to be confused with He Who Walks Behind the Rows) since he was still up in the tree messing with the satellite.
(Congrats to Silver Bolo winner Craig Laytonโs StabbyTime TV, BTWโฆ)

The friction among the cabin mates grew even more pronounced in feature two, as did the rage online and onscreen when it became clear that instead of Halloween III, the second feature would be Hack-o-Lantern, made by an Indian director who decided 10 years was a long enough gestation period for his follow-up to a seminal slasher movie.
Course, as Joe Bob revealed. Jag Mundhra never got around to watching the original Halloween, (or if he did, he didnโt take real good notes), so what we get in Hack-o-Lantern is a grandpa played by a bit part actor from Blade Runner who tools around in a 1980s Toyota pickup hauling pumpkins and he also happens to be Satanic, run a cult and brand various ladiesโ posteriors with pentagrams. Not quite in the original John Carpenter vein, not even in the Halloween III vein, but still worth three stars with these

โข 10 Dead Bodies
โข 15 Breasts
โข 2 Satanic Altars
โข Back Stabbing
โข Blood Drinking
โข Pumpkin Smashing
โข Pentagram Dancing
โข Boyfriend Tossing
โข Multiple Aardvarking
โข Ceremonial Dagger Flinging
โข Burning Car, with Explosion
โข Laser Eyes
โข Pitchfork to the Head
โข Pitchfork to the Neck, with Decapitation
โข Pitchfork to the Stomach
โข Shovel to the Skull
โข 1 Hex Rape
โข Girlfriend Branding
โข 1 Spider Jump-Scare
โข Demonic Organ Music
โข Multiple Pentagram Ceremonies
โข Head Rolls
โข Shower Fu
โข Devil Mask Fu
โข Corset Fu
Hack-o-Lantern had blood, breasts and beasts, music numbers, a laser-eyed Kali (because I know I think of Indian demon goddesses lasering people when I think Halloween), hair metal, 1980s porn stars with pentagrams on their bewtocks. IMHO, if one criticism could be leveled at our Drive-In Critic Extraordinaire’s feet, it’s that he dressed up as Eddie Munster for his costume.
People on the web were raging about it since their expectations were dashed, but I have a feeling that more Mutants will appreciate this strange, direct-to-video oddity once they get over the fact that Tom Atkins isnโt in it and a woman dressed up as a tossed salad for her Halloween party costume was.
Cause, letโs face it — as proven by the live Instagram chat they did post-special, H3 superfan Darcy & Joe Bob mended their differences (getting dragged into Crystal Lake by a hockey-mask-wearing mailgirlโll do that), post-Hideaway.
Itโll be fun to see how things in the Hideaway progress, especially when Yuki gets that satellite dish set up, and we’ll be here to check it out with you!