The Last Drive-In | Joe Bob’s Red Christmas: Gettin Jacked

Joe Bob better make sure that the carrot stays away from his upholstery and his jacket. We all know where it’s been. Art by T.J. Denton (@TDenton_1138 on the Twitter).

Darcy’s choice for Feature 2 for Joe Bob’s Red Christmas was in a class all by itself. I mean, it had an homage to John Carpenter’s version of The Thing, a callback to The Return of the Living Dead and a homicidal maniac with bugged eyes getting turned into glopola before reconstituting into an equally homicidal snowman.

And that doesn’t even include the, um, unique scene in which future starlet Shannon Elizabeth provided a hiding place for said homicidal snowman’s carrot and became the first recorded recipient of a beta-carotene-infused sno-cone.

Is it any wonder that Joe Bob rated it the highest of the three flicks we watched?

Jack Frost definitely was something else and was the most polarizing flick, judging from the reactions to it online who didn’t like the campy approach the flick took. I guess some folks prefer their movies about killer snowmen with detachable carrots to be more realistic.

Speaking of reality setting in, Joe Bob’s hopes for a big turnout for a host Christmas bash got dashed like a reindeer that forgot to take its magic flying dust and then tried to pull the Big Guy in the Red Suit’s sleigh. A certain host was “way too busy,” another from Chi-town had a prior engagement and he was further disheartened to the point where he called off the whole dang party and went into a discussion about British farce and trailblazing British dancer Phyllis Dixie.

As the night progressed, the depth of knowledge got even more profound with JBB exploring the secrets of what specific fighting technique would be more effective against an opponent on PCP in a Texas beer joint.

Such secrets can only be gained through a storied career of reviewing drive-in flicks, y’all. Truly we don’t really know how much of a holiday treasure Shudder has given us.

And, oh yeah, speaking of holiday treasures, thank you Mr. John Brennan and Mr. Joe Bob Briggs for the soon-to-be-classic carol to be held close to all Drive-In Mutants’ hearts.

And none of these things woulda been possible without Joe Bob gettin dissed for the holidays again, Darcy’s decision and the best killer snowman movie of all time that was made without any snow.

No Screening Room this week — back next week with another review.

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Laura Beerman

Ben Nagy has written and edited stuff for newspapers, magazines and websites and randomly showed up on the doorstep of Joe Bob’s booth one day after a commute from Cleveburg. After watching Joe Bob present “Motel Hell” on “Monstervision” in college in 1996, Ben knew he’d make it through. You can follow him on Twitter @BJ_Nagy, and he’s at most of the usual Joe Bob-related social media haunts if you want to say hi.

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