The Official Last Drive-In Flesh Pile Instruction Manual
Good flesh piles don’t just happen. They take weeks of forethought and planning. And while the first rule of flesh pile is never to talk about flesh pile, today we break protocol. If you find yourself invited to a fancy Beverly Hills party (or Beverly Hills-adjacent) whose details are shrouded in mystery, we want you to be prepared. The following instructions can be used by flesh pile participants and designers alike.
• Pile Members
• Shuntee Selection
• Ingress and Egress
• Scheduling and Time Limits
While it ain’t rocket science, it ain’t Sea Monkeys either. Although as any experienced flesh piler/Shunter will tell you: the hotter and wetter the better.
No matter who you are in the pile, always give 110%. No six for eight. No trophies for participation. 10-12 participants are ideal, not counting the Shuntee, with an even mix of genders, ages, sexual preferences, and fitness levels.
Have an authority figure in the pile in case things get out of hand. We recommend a judge, senator (State or U.S.), police commissioner, or your local Chamber president. Note: The authority figure may or may not be the Fister. Some do, others teach. Speaking of fisting, trainees are allowed in the pile. There’s no way to earn certification without supervised practicums.
Finally, we recommend having at least one redneck in the pile. Rednecks also make great Fisters. They can be a flight risk so always have an alternate. If one person bails, everyone else has to work that much harder.
There’s no other way to say it: no runts. When I go to a party thrown by millionaires, I don’t want finger food. I want at least three courses and an aperitif with cigars and brandy after. If you go the tapas route, you will need multiple Shuntees within the pile. A word on etiquette: There is no such thing as a first-time Shuntee as there are no repeat performances. In this life, you’re either a Shuntee, a Shunter, a Shunter/Fister, a Fister, a Fister-in-Training, an observer or oblivious.
While the number of participants will generally dictate the overall height, depth and girth of your flesh pile, never forget general aesthetics – what arborists would call the flesh pile’s “habit”. Keep growth range in mind. Space things out. Trim the stragglers.
Ingress and Egress
There is no one way to enter or leave a flesh pile. This excludes the Lead Fister for obvious reasons. Should fistibutts turn to fisticuffs (or vice versa), be sure you have an exit plan.
Mansions. No exceptions. The Great Texarkana Double-Wide Flesh Pile Incident of 2005 shall not be repeated.
Scheduling and Time Limits
Evening shunts work better than day shunts. Never schedule on religious holidays or observances. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are perfectly acceptable. Time limits? None. Relax into it and go where the shunt takes you. Note: If your mother-in-law’s coming to visit and she’s not part of the flesh pile, leave plenty of time for clean-up (see next section). A mother-in-law can smell a stale shunt from a mile away.
You are going to have a mess on your hands. Even the most experienced Shunters leave a puddle or two. Have a designated clean-up crew with supplies already in place (e.g., mops, buckets, ShamWow!, febreze).
There you have it folks. Everything you need to rock your first flesh pile. The most important instruction of all? Keep an open mind.
The flesh pile, like the drive-in, will never die.
Microsoft will no longer support the FleshPileUx! 2.0 design platform on Windows 10 after October 2020. Start migrating now to avoid disruption and loss of files. The Martha Stewart Flesh pile Expansion Pack has been discontinued
Source: The Gratuitous Blogger thanks Darcy the Mail Girl for serving as technical advisor
Ferguson (Washington internship now available; please see Judge Carter)
This week’s mail: Keith Connor from Oakland, California