Deathgasm – Where Are They Now?
A movie like Deathgasm can’t just … end. You kill a demon with a rubber schlong and some butt beads, we wanna know what comes next. So here’s our wish list. Resurrected characters are indicated with an (R) and will receive an official Patrick Duffy/Dallas t-shirt.
Cast of Characters
Brodie: Lead guitar. Demon slayer, Medina lover. Plays the Zakk vinyl backwards, raising Dion and Giles from the dead. Forms new band, Murder Maggot Unicornsssssssssssss. Lives happily ever after.
Medina: Babe next door turned axe-wielding badass. Helps save the world, shacks up with Brodie in heavy metal bliss. Learns to shred and goes on tour with Lita Ford.
Zakk: Good guy turned bad guy turned demon guy turned dead guy. Lives on through vinyl. Haunts Tipper Gore’s standards collection. Curates metal station on Spotify.
Dion and Giles (R): Dead mates. Resurrected by Brodie, rejoin the band. Earn primary songwriting credits on “Intesticide” and “Birthcanal Boatrides” (Parts I and II).
Rikki Daggers (R): Metal god. Currently touring with Van Halen.
Rikki’s amplifiers: Coming soon to eBay.
Black Hymn: Medieval ballad, demon summoner. Remixes planned by Kanye, Blake Shelton, Lady Gaga.
Aeon: Demon, all-around antagonist. Leaves possession behind and turns to acting. Lands role of Darkness in Legend prequel with Tim Curry’s blessing.
Shanna (R): Social climber. Intoner. Resurrects as environmental activist and lingerie designer with patent on the first solar-powered Wonderbra.
Uncle Albert (R): Father of David. Asshole uncle. Returns from the dead, converts to paganism, and opens an adult super store called Church Stuff.
Mr. Cappenhurst: Educator, hemophiliac, projectile vomiter. Takes FMLA, re-examines life. Enrolls in art school and perfects demon penis shading.
Terry: Heart-shaped sunglasses wearer, demon ambassador. Moves to the toilets in Greypoint Park. Diversifies. Opens nearby roasted nut stand.
Vadin: Henchman. Killer of Rikki Daggers. Promoted to the level of his incompetence, beheaded.
David: Douche. Pre-emptively decapitated. Never heard from again.
Abigail: Farm league fortune teller, fails to predict own death. No resurrection for you.
This week’s mail: Justin LaSalle of Denver, Colorado
Next Up …
Set guitar speed to dirge. It’s time for The Changeling …
