How is it that our U.S. Congress can take time to honor National Tartan Day (April 7th), National American Cowboy Day (July 27th), and National Marina Day (June 15th), but has yet to acknowledge the ancient and, dare I say, sacred day of Walpurgisnacht?
Fortunately, our own Joe Bob Briggs is willing to step into the breach and to campaign for national awareness for this important celebration of the battle to vanquish evil (or a celebration of feminine power, it’s just a matter of perspective). Therefore, we enjoyed this third celebration of the ancient holiday.
Of course, there are obstacles to building awareness of the day. As Joe Bob said, he’s not sure of the pronunciation of the word. His pronunciation is contradicted by the way John Brennan has sung it. Sure, we should probably go with the barbarians’ pronunciation, but which of the barbarians that Joe Bob brought up? The Vikings or the Goths or the Vandals or the Saxons? (JB enjoyed running through the possibilities.)
He was obviously disappointed by the fact that though he has been warning about the dangers of witchcraft, many in the Mutant Family still want to take a deep dive into darkness, even our own beloved Mail Girl, Darcy. JB and Darcy couldn’t even agree what the rally call of the evening should be. For JB it was “Burn the Witches!” and for Darcy, “Power to the Witches!”
JB brought a practical approach to the evening, presenting forms of Witch Torture that had been used through the ages. Darcy was willing to be the subject of the evening’s experiments. So if you care to follow along with the evening’s tortures:
Witch Torture #1: Pricking the Witch’s (or Devil’s) Mark – If pricking the mark (for Darcy, a tattoo) causes pain, but not bleeding, then the subject is a witch. (Before the test, Darcy admitted to being a witch. Didn’t stop JB from torturing.)
Witch Torture #2: Dunking – All fans of Monty Python and the Holy Grail are familiar with this torture. You put the suspected witch underwater, and if she floats, she’s a witch. If she drowns, she’s innocent. Darcy floats.
Witch Torture #3: Branding – Joe Bob wanted to use tests involving rats or spiders, but Darcy was not going to allow animal cruelty. Instead, she was branded with the mark of the beast. She said it hurt, but not in a bad way.
Witch Torture #4: Muzzling Head Gear – An awkward headgear was placed on Darcy’s head, meant to muzzle her. But it didn’t stop her from telling her boss, “You’re going to pay for this!”
Witch Torture #5: Rock Pile – Joe Bob told about the man accused in the Salem Witch Trials who had an increasing pile of rocks on his chest to bring him to confess. Darcy insisted that since it was a man in the story, Joe Bob should be the subject of the torture. And that’s how it played out. “More weight!”
So what was the movie of the night? The Autopsy of Jane Doe
Joe Bob didn’t want to give spoilers for the movie, but since the movie was used on Walpurgisnacht, that is a pretty big spoiler in the first place.
As the evening’s guests, Joe Bob brought out one of the film’s producers, Eric Garcia, along with the writers of the screenplay, Ian Goldberg and Richard Naing.
They discussed how the film had been on the Hollywood Blacklist (the best unproduced screenplays) and the Bloodlist (best unproduced horror screenplays). They discussed the director, André Øvredal, and the excellent small cast in the film, including Brian Cox and Emile Hirsch. And the woman who played the nekkid corpse, Ophelia Lovibond, who Joe Bob said would have gotten the Hubbie for Breast Actress if he was still giving those out.
There was also a spirited discussion about the breast counts for films. Should breasts be counted more than once if it is the same actress in different scenes? And should the breasts be counted if the character is dead? Both of these questions were pertinent to the evening’s Drive-In Totals.
So what were those Drive-In Totals for The Autopsy of Jane Doe?
A good evening was had by all, and may we wish you and yours a very merry Walpurgisnacht!
