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The Last Drive-In | Season 6, Week 5 — Death Spa

What better way to introduce a workout routine than with DEATH SPA????
The Last Drive-In | Season 6, Week 5 — Death Spa 1
Art by T.J. Denton (@TDenton_1138 on Twitter) — visit his store!

If you’re familiar with Joe Bob’s prior forays into the world of fitness, the extent of his aerobic workouts up until May 10, 2024, consisted of just the classic alternating one-arm cigarette machine pull and the supersets of the Lone Star curl and raise (also alternating). 

He also had a major particularity when it came to the gyms he frequented. Basically, it had to be dank, smell like 15-year-old sweat and have a guy named Eddie or Angelo in charge and have maybe one or two bare light bulbs hanging from the ceiling — no machines, except for a bench, maybe a squat rack and free weights only.

But it’s a different time here in the 21st century.

We were treated to two divergent Last Drive-In workout flights — Darcy took her cue from the new horror-inspired exercise routine dubbed Slashercise, while Joe Bob decided that he’d take his fitness routine to a more stationary level with his workout. 

Truly, this foray into fitness, Last Drive-In style, was an experience that would make even the most dedicated gym rat think twice before renewing their membership.

Plus we had Death Spa, to boot.

But before we get into that nuanced flick where technology runs amok courtesy of a jealous ex who decided to flame-broil herself in her wheelchair, we have to get into the workouts.

Darcy, with the help of some of the Slashercise crew, showed us a routine reminiscent of the classic Jane Fonda, Richard Simmons or, if you want to stay on genre, the Linnea Quigley Horror Workout. Those without Spandex, leg warmers and fuzzy headbands or wristbands need not apply. John Brennan did his best, but even he had some trouble keeping up with the crew.

Meanwhile, Joe Bob’s workout consisted of a minimal-effort, high-return routine courtesy of a vibrating platform. While the results weren’t quite reported and it’s debatable whether he worked up a sweat doing it, the segment itself did give some members of TLDI audience an abdominal workout. You could not help but laugh as our intrepid host tried to do a segment in vibrato, if you know what we mean, and we think you do.

Anyway, in Death Spa we got to see multiple garbonzas in gratuitous steam and locker room scenes and plenty of supernatural software malfeasance courtesy of spa owner Michael’s vengeful (and possessed) brother-in-law. Poor Michael just wanted to toss the football with best pal Marvin (Ken Foree) and collect those membership dues from 1980s ladies in Spandex. But his late ex just can’t leave the business (or him) alone. Special props to the wacky paranormal prof Dr. Lido Moray (Joseph Whipp) who had a certain presence until he didn’t.

Here are those totals…

As we catch our breath, hit the showers and wonder what’s next, the Last Call Blog recommends that if you’re considering a gym membership, maybe skip the spa and do the Last Drive-In workout, huh?

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