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The Last Drive-In | Season 6, Week 8 — Suitable Flesh

Adjunct professor/professional director of "Suitable Flesh" and self-proclaimed "pervert" Joe Lynch led the course on Sex Ed during Week Two-o of Summer School.
The Last Drive-In | Season 6, Week 8 — Suitable Flesh 1
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The second course in Joe Bob’s Summer School had the potential to be hot, heavy and taut with the potential for violence…

And that was before we had even rolled the flick.

The one thing about academia, especially at the world-renowned Joe Bob Briggs Academy of the Drive-In Cinematic Arts, is that, much like everything else in the world, the people who are part of the quest for mind-expanding knowledge do not necessarily have to get along 100% of the time.

We might have the occasional associate act in a rogue manner — say, for instance, declaring that a remake is better than the tried-and-true original version of a classic flick.

We also might have the occasional rogue faculty member saying something harsh about the esteemed administrator of the institution. Folks who watched the Hubbie-winning Publish or Perish at last year’s Jamboree’ll know this can happen to the point of (insert an Alfred Hitchcock-style pause here) murder.

So the potential was there for some appropriate-for-the-season fireworks by inviting Suitable Flesh director Joe Lynch, who had a well-publicized online feud with Joe Bob. (I’m not going to call it a “beef,” because I think, correct me if I’m wrong, it has to get picked up by major media outlets to escalate to a beef).

Before we got to a potentially spicy meeting of the drive-in minds, however, Joe Bob did go over the basics of Drive-In Sex Ed, including the history of the homemade sex tape, which did not start with Rob Lowe.

Invaluable for some were his pointers on how to maximize your sex tape production so you do not make the mistake Rob did:

  1. Claim your fat folds: As the fattest people on Earth, the expectations for American home productions are that the camera adds 10 pounds and a thorough review of your physical makeup is required before beginning production.
  2. Road map skin: People do not realize that body makeup is used in the production of a professional video. Not doing so could detract from the viewing experience. Spray tan also works.
  3. Screaming your partner’s pet name: What amateurs think may be professional frequently ends up being comedic instead.
  4. The tiers spanning Skinemax/Playboy and Hustler: Skinemax style shows bodies stuck together but not the mechanics of it. Playboy style shows the location of the adjoining areas but not the entirety of the production, if you know what we mean and we think you do. The Hustler production requires mops and cleaning supplies.  In her professional opinion, Darcy says the Skinemax style is the toughest to do. Joe Bob reminds everybody that cinematography is key in all three.
  5. Expecting the folks you work with to see you nekkid, especially after your tape gets leaked out.

Before his arrival, Adjunct Professor Joe Lynch had already gotten himself in Joe Bob’s bad graces by having a paltry single breast in his flick, but he’d proven himself to be enough of a pervert to get the gig to direct the adaptation of “The Thing on the Doorstep” that became Suitable Flesh thanks to an association with horror legend Barbara Crampton.

Professor Lynch began the long road to redemption in the eyes of the administration by first listing his top erotic thrillers, which included:

  • Basic Instinct
  • Dressed to Kill
  • Body Double

Then, in a move that got an incredulous reaction from Joe Bob, Lynch settled on Body Chemistry as his top thriller. Also in the conversation were Body Heat and The Last Seduction.

Meanwhile, the erotic thriller structurally can be linked to novelist James M. Cain’s worker and the three standard plots in them. Having some “sexy sax” helps and having a professor/director who’s a self-proclaimed 12 on the freak scale helps.

Professor Lynch also talked about the excised Bing Crosby number he was going to put in the flick as well, getting yet another bemused reaction from the academy administrator.

However, in essence, the flick really was about a sex demon just trying some stuff out. Just remember, you’re dealing with actors and management and having to compose 32-page legal documents for your simulated aardvarking scenes.

For that alone, Joe deserves tenure and for these totals (despite the surprisingly scant breast count)…

Last up — pre-med! And then those who want to take the plunge can participate in the Summer School final exam.

Do you have what it takes for drive-in scholardom?

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