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The Last Drive-In: Season Four, Week Four: The Nosfera-two-fer

Art by T.J. Denton (@TDenton_1138 on Twitter)

There were a ton of firsts going on as we all got together and celebrated the 100th anniversary of F.W Murnau’s Nosferatu. It was the first time an original flick and then a remake were played back-to-back on the Last Drive-In. It was the first time we got to see a silent flick on the show. It was the first time we got an extensive Werner Herzog-esque monologue delving into the primal essence of our favorite drive-in critic as we stared into the dark bottom of an empty popcorn tub in the wee hours of an epic night hoping that the tub did not stare back at us vengefully with a baleful lens clouded by a film of movie butter flavoring.

And yes, while there was the usual opportunity to get riled up during this episode, it was our first time getting all riled up on the Internet to the point where we were uttering profane things about the censorship-minded widow of Bram Stoker, going crazy over the Big Guy’s pimp shoes (Fun fact: With those on, he’d be looking Michael Jordan dead square in the eyes if they met in person) and getting to see those knees as he and Darcy dressed up in appropriate cosplay attire as worn during the original Nosferatu’s Munich de-butt in 1922.

We experienced a seance, the Chili Bandit dropped by again, Darcy got to be a silent (but deadly) vampire, Joe Bob said some German stuff, and we were treated to the revolutionary first vampire flick that set the stage for many a horror to come.

Drive-In Totals GIF courtesy Shudder Twitter.

The second take on Nosferatu featured the most notorious best fiends in film history (sorry Wiseau and Sestero). The enmity and art produced by Werner Herzog and Klaus Kinski is legendary, and this re-envisioned Nosferatu proves how absolutely embarrassing and soulless stuff like the Psycho remake and others in a similar vein are. If you’re going to remake something, put your own different spin on it and make it BETTER.

But that is a whole other rant that might be worth revisiting at a later date if I get a chance. Speaking of revisiting, I’ve ordered Isabelle Adjani’s Possession and am definitely going to check that out at some point in the future.

And speaking of points, here are the totals for the 1979 version.

Drive-In Totals GIF courtesy Shudder Twitter.

Let’s finish this Last Call blog post off with a first of my own — my first attempt at a Joe Bob-type joke closer. Depending on the feedback, these bloodsucky jokes’ll probably be the last…

Keeping with the vampire theme:

What kind of outfit does a vampire ballerina wear?

A Nosferatutu.

What do you call a lethargic vampire who’s homeless?

Decoffinated.

What’s the self-help vampire’s favorite blood type?

B-positive.

Why’d the vampire metal worker get fired?

He kept trying to bite the plasma welder.

What does a vampire obsessed with two of the three B’s say after attacking a nursing mother?

“Thanks for the mammaries.”

Put down those crucifixes and stakes. I’ll see myself out the craggy castle’s window …

Enjoy this week’s episode and see you next week!

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