HALLOWEEN

John Carpenter’s Halloween is the perfect horror film – not the only one, but one of the few. In addition to THE best score of all time, there is a deliberateness to his and Deborah Hill’s story-telling that checks all the boxes of how to pace narrative without ever seeming templated or formulaic. In fact, when Carpenter made his first masterpiece (because, The Thing), there was no template. Not like this.

Sure there were slashers, primarily from the Eye-Talians whosegiallo-tinted thrillers actually contained all the sex andgore their American counterparts were accused of. And yes, there werepredecessors: Black Christmas and the contemporaneousprototypes Psycho and Peeping Tom. But there’sjust something about Halloween – including lessons to live byillustrated to perfection by my partner in crime, T.J. Denton.

Numero-Uno: Everyone’s a critic.

Ya’ll are gonna gul’durn kill me for this one so let’s get it outof the way. There is one scene and one scene only I would change in Halloween:the end of the Judith murder sequence. Don’t get me wrong. I love thestage-theater, end-scene quality of what Carpenter does: a six-year-old Michaelstanding stock still, knife glinting, his parents looking silently on whilejust a few short yards away, their only daughter lies slaughtered by herbrother’s hand in her upstairs bedroom. Only Michael knows it and they don’t.

But they could. Here’s my reshoot (based on whatappears to be a pre-film Halloween script):

Mother and Father stare at the POV, at first in puzzlement, then slow, growing horror.

      MOTHER

      Michael?

       CLOSE SHOT – MICHAEL – CRANE

Thefather’s hand reaches up and rips off the Halloween mask,

revealingMICHAEL, 6, underneath, a bright-eyed boy with a calm, quiet smile on his face.

CAMERAPULLS BACK, revealing the blood-stained butcher knife in his

hand,then further back. CRANING UP past his parents standing there, up from theneighbor’s house to a HIGH SHOT of the neighborhood.

MOTHERand FATHER run simultaneously toward the house, entering side-by-side throughthe front door.

Aquiet moment passes. MICHAEL remains standing, rocking himself.

Suddenly, from inside, a voiceover of MOTHER’s piercing scream. Judith’s discovery.

CLOSESHOT – MICHAEL – CRANE

Aaaand end scene.

Numero-Two-O: Listen to Your Oracles.

Two characters are routinely dismissed in Halloween.Together, they’re the Truth Axis on which preventable tragedy turns. Like William Blake, one sings from innocence, the otherexperience. First is Tommy. Whoever said “Children should be seen, not heard”clearly never spent a Friday night at CiCi’s Pizza. Yeah, he’s a little whinybut he’s seen, he knows and he believes. In the end, it is the sight of Tommyfleeing with Lindsay that tips Loomis to Michael’s whereabouts and helps him“save” Laurie.

Which leads us to Oracle #2. You study a patient for 15 years,learn his subtleties (e.g., quiet, super-quiet, insanely quiet, catatonic, ishe still breathing), share your observations (“Screw the DSM diagnosis people.This kid is evil, mmm-kay?). No matter. Being a tweed-wearing, Beemer-drivingAnglican will not save you any more than being a sassy, horny, back-talkingcheerleader. NOBODY listens to Loomis’ Fancy Talk (including the TV-version-onlyscenes, shot after film production wrapped). By Halloween 4, @levans6081 andI agree he’s crazier than a shithouse rat. But he’s our crazy.And what about that so-called Fancy Talk? Loomis’ inability to convince – evenwith his most rational arguments – shines a subtle light on the demographictensions (place, race, class, etc.) that too often creates real-life horrors.

Numero-Three-O: Your couch-frolic will not call you in the morning.

“Call me tomorrow?” Judith asks as her Minute-Man suitor puts onhis shirt and leaves. “Yeah, sure,” he says. Translation: Cloudy with a chanceof Hell No. That’s fine. She got hers.

Numero-Four-O: Dogs are a good judgeof character.

Why did Lester have to die? He was such a good boy. He faithfullyprotected the Doyles. He would have eventually convinced them that Annie was aterrible babysitter using their house as her own personal Shag Pad. Rest inPeace, faithful friend. We send you off with the lesser-known canine variationof the traditional Irish prayer:

May the fire hydrant rise to meetyou.

May the wind be always upon your faceas you stick you head out the car window.

May the sun shine warm upon you asyou lick your own balls.

And until we meet again, may the Lordof Dogs hold Beggin’ Strips for you in the palm of His hand.

Numero-Five-O: Friendships can survive change.

“I didn’t know you thought aboutthings like that, Laurie…You’re losing it, Laurie…Poor Laurie, scared anotherone away.” With friends like Annie, who needsenemies? Even Lester knows she’s a jerk. I used to wonder why Laurie wasfriends with her – or Linda for that matter. (Her snark comes outin the aforementioned TV-version.) But then I realized: These girls have knowneach a long time. They grew up in one another’s homes, went to the same schoolsand Haddonfield community events. They’ve become different people but theirfriendship has survived the test of time; unfortunately, it couldn’t surviveMichael Myers.

Numero-Six-O: Somewhere out there is a station-wagon-driving guy named Devon Graham and he is fine.

Numero-Seven-O: Get your own damn beer.

After sex, this is just good manners. But had Linda gottenher lazy ass out of bed and gone down to the kitchen, we’d have missed one ofthe greatest kills and kill reactions in all of horror history.

Numero-Eight-O: Collateral damagehappens.

Ahh, Ben Tramer. He was having such a good night. He went out drinkingwith Mike Godfrey. He just found out that the girl he likes him too. And whatdoes it get him? Death by sequel. And all because he too went as WilliamShatner after sushi food poisoning for Halloween. Oh the humanity.

Numero-Nine-O: Slow and steady winsthe race.

A 2019 Michael Myers would definitely be getting his steps in.Slowly. Methodically. But work on that target heart rate, Mike, and don’tforget to count calories burned while senselessly killing teenagers.

Numero-Ten-O: Sometimes itreally is The Boogeyman.

Well Mutants, that’s it. Thanks for hanging with us through all six installments of the Slasher Life Lessons franchise. We like to think we stayed strong and never once jumped the shark. This Friday, what we’ve all been waiting for: Halloween Hootenanny, October 25 at 9pm Eastern on Shudder!