Will the saga of this transforming priest become the next campy cult classic? Only time will tell…

The VelociPastor, obviously in dino form, takes a bite out of one of his deadly (?) adversaries in the climatic final battle. (All photos courtesy Wildeye Releasing.)

In a filmic landscape that has spawned Toxic Avengers, Sharknados and multiple attacks by killer tomatoes, among others, it’s a tough order to come up with a concept that’s intentionally campy yet unique enough that it can potentially accumulate its own cult.

So writer-director Brendan Steere did his best to find the sweet spot with
VelociPastor, featuring a priest named Doug Jones (Gregory James Cohan), who gains the power to morph into a dinosaur to mete out holy and bloody vengeance against the criminal element of the city where he serves.

If you look at the poster art and are expecting a Jurassic Park-style CGI raptor as depicted, you aren’t gonna get it. If you are expecting a highly trained cadre of deadly ninjas throwing shurikens and doing highly coordinated trampoline stunts, you aren’t gonna get that.

But if you want a mulleted murderous pimp with a combover, you’ll get it.

If you want a flick rated X by the Christian Film Board, you’ll get it.

If you want a gratuitous Vietnam War monologue and a training montage interspersed with multiple dinosaur attacks and Christian iconography that is set to punk rock music, you’ll get it.

If you want the same section of woods to stand in for Pennsylvania, China and Vietnam, you’ll get it.

If you want sinister villains who fail miserably at laughing sinisterly simultaneously, you’ll get it.

If you want a makeout montage with enhanced lighting, modern rock background music and flashbacks to the film so far leading into coitus interruptus interruptused by ninjas, you’ll get it.

And there’s a dinosaur fighting ninjas and …

Pastor Doug (David Gregory Cohan) lets his prehistoric side come through as he begins to change. Rick Baker did not do the transformation effects.
Carol (Alyssa Kempinski) is pre-law, pre-med, a prostitute and minors in hiney-kicking. What’s not to like?

Three and a half stars – I had to give the half-star deduction for no garbonzas (it’s a harsh world, I know) and, to be sure, you have to be in a certain frame of mind to watch this one and get absolute enjoyment — a Texas or Colorado state of mind might add that missing half-star to the rating depending on the individual.

VelociPastor is available to stream for free on Tubi and on BluRay. Check out the official Facebook page and follow the Twitter account @thevelocipastor.

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Ben Nagy

Ben Nagy has written and edited stuff for newspapers, magazines and websites and randomly showed up on the doorstep of Joe Bob’s booth one day after a commute from Cleveburg. After watching Joe Bob present “Motel Hell” on “Monstervision” in college in 1996, Ben knew he’d make it through. You can follow him on Twitter @BJ_Nagy, and he’s at most of the usual Joe Bob-related social media haunts if you want to say hi.