“Highway to Hell”: Where you get Cockblocked By Satan’s Favorite Traffic Cop

Howdy, drive-in mutants! Ever wonder what would happen if someone made a movie that’s equal parts Mad Max, Orpheus and Eurydice, and a heavy metal music video from 1987? Well, grab your popcorn and your holy water, because boy howdy, do I have a treat for you.

Let me tell you about a little slice of B-movie heaven called “Highway to Hell” – a flick that’s been collecting dust in the bargain bins of video stores since 1991, and damn well shouldn’t have been. This is what happens when you take a young Chad Lowe (yeah, Rob’s baby brother), throw him in a Ford Pinto with a pizza sign on top, and send him straight to Hell to rescue his girlfriend from Satan’s dating app.

Our story kicks off with Charlie (Lowe) and his squeeze Rachel (Kristy Swanson, before she got famous killing vampires) trying to elope to Vegas. Now, anyone who’s ever been to Vegas knows it’s already basically Hell with slot machines, but these crazy kids decide to take a shortcut through what has to be the most obvious “don’t fucking go there” road in cinema history. They even get warned by Sam, the gas station guy (Richard Farnsworth, looking like he wandered off the set of a better movie but decided to stick around anyway).

Of course, they don’t listen. NOBODY ever listens to the creepy gas station prophet. That’s like Horror Movie 101.

Before you can say “bad life choices,” along comes Hellcop – imagine if Judge Dredd had a baby with a Halloween mask and decided to become a state trooper. This chrome-domed nightmare on a power trip kidnaps Rachel, leaving our boy Charlie to figure out how to get to Hell without having to sit through a DMV appointment.

Now here’s where this movie goes from “what the hell?” to “WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?” in the best possible way. Hell, as it turns out, is basically Arizona with worse customer service. We’re talking demon bikers, zombie cops eating donuts at Pluto’s Diner (where Ben Stiller, of all people, is flipping burgers), and Gilbert Gottfried playing Adolf Hitler. Yes, you read that right. Gilbert. Freaking. Gottfried. As Hitler. In Hell. Playing cards. This is the kind of stuff you can’t make up, folks – except someone did, and they got paid for it.

For those keeping track, here are the Drive-In Totals:

• 1 Hell Cop with Chrome Dome
• 4 Satanic Car Chases
• 1 Demon Shapeshifter with Saggy Fun Bags
• 1 Three-Headed Hell Hound
• 1 River Styx Crossing
• 1 Satan-as-Mechanic Twist
• 1 Orpheus Rex Reference Gone Wrong
• Multiple Card-Playing Dictators
• Gratuitous Ben Stiller Double Role
• Kung Fu Car Repair
• Sunglasses Fu

The whole thing plays out like somebody took a road trip movie, dropped acid, and decided to rewrite Dante’s Inferno while listening to Mötley Crüe. You’ve got Clara, the hottie demon who used to date our gas station prophet (talk about baggage). There’s a satanic mechanic named Beezle who’s definitely not who he seems to be (spoiler alert: it’s Satan, because apparently the Prince of Darkness moonlights as a grease monkey). And let’s not forget the kid sidekick, because every hero needs a pint-sized wingman in Hell.

The practical effects in this bad boy are something else. We’re talking old school, hands-in-the-clay, how-the-hell-did-they-do-that-with-that-budget kind of stuff. The Hellcop’s face looks like somebody took a cheese grater to a mannequin and then said “perfect!” The demon that disguises itself as Rachel? Pure nightmare fuel, and I mean that as a compliment.

Speaking of budget, this movie does more with chump change than most modern flicks do with the GDP of a small country. Sure, some of the sets look like they were built with leftover materials from a high school production of “Oklahoma!”, but that’s part of the charm. When you’re making a movie about Hell, sometimes the best special effect is just pointing your camera at the Arizona desert and saying “shit yeah, that’ll work.”

The real kicker? This thing was written by Brian Helgeland, who later won an Oscar for “L.A. Confidential.” I’m not saying writing a movie about a pizza delivery car racing through Hell is what gets you an Academy Award, but I’m not NOT saying that either.

You want cameos? This movie’s got more random appearances than a celebrity rehab center. Besides the aforementioned Stiller (who pulls double duty as Attila the Hun because why the hell not), you’ve got Lita Ford popping up as a hitchhiker (probably because someone on set had been hand spackling her poster in their teenage years). Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara show up too, making this whole thing some kind of weird Stiller family reunion in Hades.

The dialogue is exactly what you’d expect from a movie where the main character has to race the devil in a souped-up Pinto. It’s cheesy, it’s corny, and sometimes it’s so bad it circles all the way back around to brilliant. When your movie includes the line “Do you know the fastest way to Hell?” and it’s NOT meant to be a joke about the local highway department, you know you’re in for a special kind of ride.

The whole thing wraps up with a car chase that would make the Road Warrior himself get a stiff chub, complete with nitro boosters because apparently that’s standard equipment for escaping the underworld. Our lovebirds make it back to the land of the living, the kid gets saved, and Satan goes back to his day job of running a repair shop, which honestly explains a lot about my last truck repair bill.

Drive-In Academy Award Nominations For:

• C.J. Graham as Hellcop, for doing more acting with a mangled face than most folks do with a full set of expressions
• Chad Lowe, for keeping a straight face while fighting demons in a Pinto
• The Effects Team, for making Hell look like Arizona on a budget of about twelve bucks and a snickers bar
• Brian Helgeland, for writing a script while obviously high on something amazing
• Patrick Bergin, for being the most charming Satan since Peter Stormare

Here’s the bottom line, mutants: “Highway to Hell” is exactly the kind of movie that makes you glad someone, somewhere, was crazy enough to greenlight it. It’s got heart, it’s got humor, it’s got Hitler playing poker – what more could you want from a drive-in classic?

In the grand tradition of B-movies that are too weird to live but too rare to die, this one’s a keeper. It’s the kind of flick that makes you wonder what they were smoking in Hollywood circa 1991, and where you can get some today. Does it make perfect sense? Hell no. Does it need to? Also hell’s to the no.

So grab yourself a cold one, find yourself a copy of this beautiful disaster, and settle in for a road trip to remember. Just remember to pack your shotgun with yer special ammo, keep your eyes on the road, and whatever you do, don’t fall asleep after that damned second Joshua tree.

That’s it for me, folks. Remember: the road to Hell might be paved with good intentions, but the highway there is pure entertainment.

Four Stars. The Drive-in will NEVER die!