Howdy horror hounds! Pull up a lawn chair and crack open a cold one, ’cause we’re diving deep into the latest holiday horror offering that’s got folks more divided than a family arguing over who gets grandma’s Christmas pudding recipe. It’s 2022’s “It’s a Wonderful Knife”.
“It’s a Wonderful Knife” – yeah, you read that right – is what happens when somebody in Hollywood says, “Hey, what if we took that heartwarming Jimmy Stewart classic and just, like, stabbed the hell out of it?” And you know what? That’s exactly the kind of bat-shit crazy idea I’m here for.
So picture this: we’re in the quaint little town of Angel Falls (subtle, right?), where our final girl Winnie Carruthers has just barbecued herself a killer using what appears to be the world’s most conveniently placed car battery. Let me tell you, nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a well-done psychopath. But here’s where it gets interesting – instead of riding that hero high, our girl’s life goes to complete shit a year later. Her family’s acting like nothing happened, her boyfriend’s dipping his candy cane in somebody else’s hot chocolate, and she’s stuck in that special kind of teenage hell where saving the whole damn town from a serial killer somehow isn’t enough for a college application.
Now, Justin Long shows up in this thing playing the town mayor like he’s auditioning for a role as the lovechild of a televangelist and a used car salesman. I swear, every time this dude appears on screen, you can practically smell the greasy snake oil through your TV. And holy shite, does he commit to the schtick. We’re talking full-on ham sandwich with extra cheese, a regular “Cheese Royale”.
The movie pulls its big switcheroo when Winnie wishes she was never born while staring at the Northern Lights – because apparently Aurora Borealis is the new shooting star in town. Boom! Welcome to Alternate Reality Falls, where everything’s gone to hell in a handbasket wrapped with bloody tinsel. Her brother’s dead, her parents are miserable, and the killer’s been having himself a grand old time turning the town into his personal advent calendar of murder.
Here’s where we need to talk about Bernie, aka “Weirdo,” who becomes Winnie’s partner in crime-solving. This kid’s got more personality in her pinky finger than most horror movie sidekicks have in their whole body. She’s what would happen if Wednesday Addams decided to become a mall rat, and I mean that as a compliment.
The kills in this thing aren’t going to win any awards for creativity – we’re not exactly in “Final Destination” territory here – but they get the job done. There’s something almost charming about how the movie treats its murder scenes like they’re putting on a high school play version of a slasher film. The killer’s costume looks like what would happen if the Ghost of Christmas Future decided to go through a “Miami Vice” phase, all dressed in white like some sort of homicidal snow angel.
Now, let’s address the elephant in the tinsel-decorated room: this movie’s got more LGBTQ+ representation than a Pride parade at the North Pole. Some folks are getting their stockings in a twist about it, but honestly? In a movie where we’re already buying that the Northern Lights can grant death wishes, maybe we can handle the fact that Aunt Gale likes ladies and our final girls might have a thing for each other.
The whole third act goes completely off the rails in the best possible way. We’re talking mind control, mass hypnosis, and enough plot twists to give you whiplash. It’s like somebody took three different Christmas horror movies, threw them in granny’s mixer, and hit “smooshify”. Should it work? Not by a longshot. Does it? Well, that depends on how many egg nogs you’ve had.
The thing about “It’s a Wonderful Knife” is that it knows exactly what kind of movie it is – it’s the fruitcake of horror movies. Some people are gonna hate it on principle, others are gonna embrace its weird, dense, slightly nutty nature. It’s messy, it’s uneven, and sometimes it feels like it was written by an AI that was fed nothing but Hallmark Christmas movies and 80’s slasher flicks.
But you know what? In a world where every other horror movie is trying to be the next “Hereditary” or “Midsommar,” there’s something refreshing about a film that just wants to have fun with its premise, even if that means occasionally face planting into the snow. It’s like that one cousin at Christmas dinner who tells inappropriate jokes – sure, they might make everyone uncomfortable, but at least they’re keeping things interesting.
The performances range from “high school play” to “somebody deserves a raise,” with most of the adult cast chewing the scenery like it’s made of gingerbread. Joel McHale shows up looking like he wandered in from a different movie entirely, and Katharine Isabelle gets some of the best lines in the whole damn thing, delivered with the kind of sass that makes you wish she had more screen time.
Let’s talk about that twist ending – without spoiling too much, let’s just say it’s the kind of thing that makes you go “Are you farking with me?” followed immediately by “You know what? Sure, why not?” It’s like the movie equivalent of putting pickle juice in your bourbon – it shouldn’t work, but if you’re in the right chemical mindset, you might just convince yourself it’s genius.
Look, is “It’s a Wonderful Knife” going to change your life? Nahhh … Is it going to revolutionize the horror genre? About as likely as Santa trading in his sleigh for an used Prius. But what it will do is give you a solid hour and a half of entertainment that feels like it was made by people who genuinely wanted to have fun with the material.
It’s the kind of movie that’s perfect for that weird dead zone between Christmas and New Year’s when you’re still wearing the same pajamas from three days ago and you’ve lost all concept of time. Pour yourself something stronger than hot chocolate, gather some friends who don’t take their horror too seriously, and embrace the chaos.
In the grand tradition of holiday horror, “It’s a Wonderful Knife” earns its place somewhere between “Silent Night, Deadly Night” and “Jack Frost” (the killer snowman one, not the Michael Keaton family film – though now that I think about it, either works). It’s not going to make anybody’s “best of” list, but it might just become somebody’s guilty pleasure Christmas tradition.
Final verdict? Drive-in worthy. Sure, it’s rough around the edges, but so was your mom’s first attempt at Christmas cookies, and you still ate those damn things, didn’t you? This flick’s got heart, humor, and just enough horror to keep genre fans from feeling completely cheated. Plus, any movie that manages to make the Aurora Borealis a plot device deserves at least a slow golf clap for creativity.
So grab your favorite holiday beverage, lower your expectations just a smidge or two, and let yourself enjoy this weird little gem for what it is – a Christmas horror comedy that’s trying its best to spread some holiday fear. And remember, folks: if you ever see the Northern Lights, maybe keep your existential crisis to yourself. Just to be safe and all.
Keep it weird, keep it bloody, and most importantly, keep the Christmas lights on. You never know when a killer in a white mask might come caroling.
And that’s the word from the drive-in, where the popcorn’s always stale, the drinks are always flat, but the movies… well, sometimes they surprise you. This one gets a thumbs up, if only because it had the balls to make that pun of a title and then actually deliver something watchable.