Howdy horror hounds! Pull up a lawn chair and crack open a cold one, โcause weโre diving deep into the latest holiday horror offering thatโs got folks more divided than a family arguing over who gets grandmaโs Christmas pudding recipe. Itโs 2022โs โItโs a Wonderful Knifeโ.
โItโs a Wonderful Knifeโ โ yeah, you read that right โ is what happens when somebody in Hollywood says, โHey, what if we took that heartwarming Jimmy Stewart classic and just, like, stabbed the hell out of it?โ And you know what? Thatโs exactly the kind of bat-shit crazy idea Iโm here for.
So picture this: weโre in the quaint little town of Angel Falls (subtle, right?), where our final girl Winnie Carruthers has just barbecued herself a killer using what appears to be the worldโs most conveniently placed car battery. Let me tell you, nothing says โMerry Christmasโ like a well-done psychopath. But hereโs where it gets interesting โ instead of riding that hero high, our girlโs life goes to complete shit a year later. Her familyโs acting like nothing happened, her boyfriendโs dipping his candy cane in somebody elseโs hot chocolate, and sheโs stuck in that special kind of teenage hell where saving the whole damn town from a serial killer somehow isnโt enough for a college application.
Now, Justin Long shows up in this thing playing the town mayor like heโs auditioning for a role as the lovechild of a televangelist and a used car salesman. I swear, every time this dude appears on screen, you can practically smell the greasy snake oil through your TV. And holy shite, does he commit to the schtick. Weโre talking full-on ham sandwich with extra cheese, a regular โCheese Royaleโ.
The movie pulls its big switcheroo when Winnie wishes she was never born while staring at the Northern Lights โ because apparently Aurora Borealis is the new shooting star in town. Boom! Welcome to Alternate Reality Falls, where everythingโs gone to hell in a handbasket wrapped with bloody tinsel. Her brotherโs dead, her parents are miserable, and the killerโs been having himself a grand old time turning the town into his personal advent calendar of murder.
Hereโs where we need to talk about Bernie, aka โWeirdo,โ who becomes Winnieโs partner in crime-solving. This kidโs got more personality in her pinky finger than most horror movie sidekicks have in their whole body. Sheโs what would happen if Wednesday Addams decided to become a mall rat, and I mean that as a compliment.
The kills in this thing arenโt going to win any awards for creativity โ weโre not exactly in โFinal Destinationโ territory here โ but they get the job done. Thereโs something almost charming about how the movie treats its murder scenes like theyโre putting on a high school play version of a slasher film. The killerโs costume looks like what would happen if the Ghost of Christmas Future decided to go through a โMiami Viceโ phase, all dressed in white like some sort of homicidal snow angel.
Now, letโs address the elephant in the tinsel-decorated room: this movieโs got more LGBTQ+ representation than a Pride parade at the North Pole. Some folks are getting their stockings in a twist about it, but honestly? In a movie where weโre already buying that the Northern Lights can grant death wishes, maybe we can handle the fact that Aunt Gale likes ladies and our final girls might have a thing for each other.
The whole third act goes completely off the rails in the best possible way. Weโre talking mind control, mass hypnosis, and enough plot twists to give you whiplash. Itโs like somebody took three different Christmas horror movies, threw them in grannyโs mixer, and hit โsmooshifyโ. Should it work? Not by a longshot. Does it? Well, that depends on how many egg nogs youโve had.
The thing about โItโs a Wonderful Knifeโ is that it knows exactly what kind of movie it is โ itโs the fruitcake of horror movies. Some people are gonna hate it on principle, others are gonna embrace its weird, dense, slightly nutty nature. Itโs messy, itโs uneven, and sometimes it feels like it was written by an AI that was fed nothing but Hallmark Christmas movies and 80โs slasher flicks.
But you know what? In a world where every other horror movie is trying to be the next โHereditaryโ or โMidsommar,โ thereโs something refreshing about a film that just wants to have fun with its premise, even if that means occasionally face planting into the snow. Itโs like that one cousin at Christmas dinner who tells inappropriate jokes โ sure, they might make everyone uncomfortable, but at least theyโre keeping things interesting.
The performances range from โhigh school playโ to โsomebody deserves a raise,โ with most of the adult cast chewing the scenery like itโs made of gingerbread. Joel McHale shows up looking like he wandered in from a different movie entirely, and Katharine Isabelle gets some of the best lines in the whole damn thing, delivered with the kind of sass that makes you wish she had more screen time.
Letโs talk about that twist ending โ without spoiling too much, letโs just say itโs the kind of thing that makes you go โAre you farking with me?โ followed immediately by โYou know what? Sure, why not?โ Itโs like the movie equivalent of putting pickle juice in your bourbon โ it shouldnโt work, but if youโre in the right chemical mindset, you might just convince yourself itโs genius.
Look, is โItโs a Wonderful Knifeโ going to change your life? Nahhh โฆ Is it going to revolutionize the horror genre? About as likely as Santa trading in his sleigh for an used Prius. But what it will do is give you a solid hour and a half of entertainment that feels like it was made by people who genuinely wanted to have fun with the material.
Itโs the kind of movie thatโs perfect for that weird dead zone between Christmas and New Yearโs when youโre still wearing the same pajamas from three days ago and youโve lost all concept of time. Pour yourself something stronger than hot chocolate, gather some friends who donโt take their horror too seriously, and embrace the chaos.
In the grand tradition of holiday horror, โItโs a Wonderful Knifeโ earns its place somewhere between โSilent Night, Deadly Nightโ and โJack Frostโ (the killer snowman one, not the Michael Keaton family film โ though now that I think about it, either works). Itโs not going to make anybodyโs โbest ofโ list, but it might just become somebodyโs guilty pleasure Christmas tradition.
Final verdict? Drive-in worthy. Sure, itโs rough around the edges, but so was your momโs first attempt at Christmas cookies, and you still ate those damn things, didnโt you? This flickโs got heart, humor, and just enough horror to keep genre fans from feeling completely cheated. Plus, any movie that manages to make the Aurora Borealis a plot device deserves at least a slow golf clap for creativity.
So grab your favorite holiday beverage, lower your expectations just a smidge or two, and let yourself enjoy this weird little gem for what it is โ a Christmas horror comedy thatโs trying its best to spread some holiday fear. And remember, folks: if you ever see the Northern Lights, maybe keep your existential crisis to yourself. Just to be safe and all.
Keep it weird, keep it bloody, and most importantly, keep the Christmas lights on. You never know when a killer in a white mask might come caroling.
And thatโs the word from the drive-in, where the popcornโs always stale, the drinks are always flat, but the moviesโฆ well, sometimes they surprise you. This one gets a thumbs up, if only because it had the balls to make that pun of a title and then actually deliver something watchable.
