Art by T.J. Denton (@TDenton_1138 on Twitter. Visit his store).
Rather than a repeat visit to Heartbreak Trailer Park, a special couple of Mutants allowed their nuptials to be turned into a little bit of “deranged performance art” courtesy of Joe Bob (resplendent in Elvis garb — he was taking notes when we were at Graceland last summer), Darcy (doing a Playboy Bunny homage) and the Last Drive-In crew.
The winners of the Ghoultide Get-Together holiday auction, Oliver Moltaji and Shelby Lano from Minnesota, definitely had an experience to remember at Fremont Wedding Chapel out in Las Vegas, a place where the big guy has had ample experience. Don’t forget that he was Joe Bob Briggs, Vegas Guy, for UPI back at the turn of the century and let’s not forget how he p.o.ed DeNiro back in the day in Casino.
Oliver and Shelby’s road to married mutanthood began with Shelby asking Oliver to fill the role of a stunt fake boyfriend for a wedding. Sharing the same interests in music, drive-in flicks (of course) and similar life experiences led them to their destiny — getting hitched during a double feature of a very 1980s take on “Phantom of the Opera” and that two-of-a-kind (since they made a sequel) “sweet, romantic German necrophilia comedy,” Nekromantik.
The to-be-married couple was put up in the El Cortez Hotel – the oldest continuing hotel/casino in the U.S., but even right up to the end of the first feature, I can’t say that we didn’t have our doubts that there’d actually even be a Mutant Wedding… John Brennan was urging Oliver to go out on the town with him to tear Sin City a new one and telling the groom-to-be some of the aspect of married life:
1. Are you prepared never to eat snacks in bed?
2. Have you ever seen Love Story with Ally McGraw? Love means always having to say you’re sorry.
3. Faking irritable bowel syndrome to be in the toilet so he can be alone for an hour is a power move.
The guys then headed out to hold a “funeral” for Oliver’s single life.
Meanwhile on the other side, Felissa Rose, the LDI’s resident Mangled Dick expert, was giving dubious counsel to Shelby while under the influence of a drink called an “Alien Nipple.” (No doubt it’s green and comes in a circular-shaped dispensation vessel, perhaps even resembling a flying saucer). Some of her marital advice included:
1. Fight, fight, fight and go to bed mad.
2. Let yourself be you – you do you.
3. Hairy legs are a power move.
And as a refresher for anyone who might have been unclear of the nuances of getting hitched there, Joe Bob categorized the six underlying motivators of quick Vegas weddings with one weird acronym — FADCIG.
- Fetus (Baby in oven)
- Alcohol (They’re drunk)
- Drama (Relatives disapprove)
- Cash (It’s cheap)
- Incest (It’s against the law in most places)
- Geekery (Cheese factor of getting hitched there)
All this buildup took place while we were watching Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge, a sequel-sounding title that wasn’t really a sequel but that the filmmakers wanted to sound like a sequel. I mean, theoretically, it could have been considered a stealth sequel to any number of high school flicks filmed in the mall, it’s just, you know, none of the characters involved in Phantom of the Mall woulda been in the first flick.
Here’s are those Drive-In Totals for you…
And while I don’t think anywhere in the history of the world, except at The Last Drive-In, would a wedding party be subjected to a history of infamous necrophiles, a German flick banned in multiple countries AND an all-time legendary rant about how the manly image of the American cowboy was sabotaged by the Red Menace that was George Ballantine.
And yes, Nekromantik still can shock to a point with some of its transgressive subject matter and commentary on violence and desensitization, as seen by the below Drive-In Totals, but it also features Beatrice M.’s Betty writhing around in soft focus for an extended period in bed with a plastic skeleton.
Yet truly, when it came down to it, Jorg Buttgereit turned out to be a big softie, even if he did use some nasty footage of a rabbit getting killed, skinned and gutted — all the characters got their happily-ever-afters!
Don’t believe me? Well, Robert died and got his one last thrill while simultaneously resurrecting the rabbit and Betty, welp, she was just starting to start the process of digging him back up so that they could get reacquainted, if you know what we mean, and we think you do, a true win-win!
Hey, as JBB said, “We’re really not bad people. We just have really bad taste.”
And while we can’t guarantee that Oliver and Shelby’s family won’t just watch the portions of the Vicious Vegas Valentine featuring the wedding and not the full double feature pairing the comedic stylings of Pauly Shore and his bewtocks with the extreme punk-rock vision of German romance, we trust that it was a time they will never forget as Oliver and Shelby cemented their future lifetime of love and making happy memories with a bunch of Mutants to go along for the ride.
Congratulations you two!