They’re trying to fry us!
Fuck Mrs. Flanagan’s fuchsia! Friday night was the season 2 premiere of The Last Drive-In and we got your girl copy recaps right here.
After months of wandering in the weekly installment drive-in wilderness – complete with government shutdowns and impeachment, Harry and Meghan’s royal flight and oh yeah, a little something called the Corona virus – Friday night started just the way it should, with Joe Bob cracking the pop top on a frosty Lone Star and diving head-first into a detailed exploration of the sex robot industry. Is it just me or did it seem like he’d been savin this one up for awhile?
Friday night we learned that vaginal depth is definitely NOT a thing, directors hiring actresses they want to aardvark WAS and still IS a thing, and that making out during a movie as depraved as Blood Sucking Freaks MIGHT just be a thing (you know who you are). Not since Cartman thought he was getting an Ultra Vibe Pleasure 2000 for Christmas – or maybe Joaquin Phoenix in Her – have we contemplated incel/sex robot pairings with such sensitivity and detail. Life-like skin, accurate body temperature, Barbie-like proportions, and long fluffy hair are just a few of the ways you can keep yourself entertained between LDI episodes. Don’t worry about keeping up with that feature list. There’s an order form at the end of this blog. Oh, and a note on body temp: if your sex robot starts running a fever above 100.4 and develops a cough, not only are you entitled to a full refund, but the plague has officially crossed the human-robot barrier and we are all going to die. Donning the shirt he should have worn during October’s non-Day-of-the-Dead Halloween Hootenanny, Joe Bob set up the night’s first flick Chopping Mall, the greatest mall-oriented killer robot movie ever made featuring more Oliver Peoples glasses than The Sally Jessy Raphael Show and American Psycho combined. The summary, as only JBB can tell it:
Basically what we got here is three security guard robots who go berserk during a lightning storm and start using their lasers and throwing stars and tranquilizer guns and F-16 fighter plans to kill teenagers they catch making the sign of the triple-humped squid puppy after they sneak into the mall. And after each body demolition they say, “Thank you! Have a nice day.” In other words, spam in an atrium and that’s the whole plot.
But not the whole story of the episode, which featured legendary Skream Queen with a K Kelli Maroney telling tales of Hollywood, including spirit bitches, what it was like being jail bait on Ryan’s Hope, what it was like working with Writer-Director Jim Wynorski (a/k/a Sam Pepperman, a/k/a Rick Masters, a/k/a Harold Blueberry a/k/a Salvador Ross), and wondering why in the world no one told her she had khaki camel toe the entire film.
All this plus the stats we know and love:
- 10 Dead Bodies
- 3 Dead Killbots
- 8 Breasts (a/k/a low on the Nekkidity)
- 3 Pints Blood
- 1 Exploding Head
- 3 Twisted-Metal Explosions
- Kamikaze Forklift
- Gratuitous Paul Bartel, Mary Woronov and Dick Miller
- Foldout Fu
- Pastel Laser-Bolt Fu
- Turpentine Fu
Good times to the max! And maybe because the KillBots look like a cross between RoboCop and Johnny Five from Short Circuit, Chopping Mall gets a conservative two and a half stars. Joe Bob says check it out.
The first time I saw this flick was a big fat meh. But what’s not to love about kids fornicating at Furniture King (“The House of Royal Values” and green shag carpet), clips of Attack of the Crab Monsters, Barbara Crampton dancing her ass off, and a bunch of bad-ass babes fighting to save the universe – and their boyfriends. I guess I’m just not used to watching movies about kids being chased around a mall in the middle of the night by killer robots. The power of Joe Bob changed that.
Mysteries to ponder as you steel yourself for Mr. Ben Nagy’s review of Blood Sucking Freaks. Thank god I drew the long straw this week…
P.S. There is no sex robot order form at the end of this blog. What do we have to do everything for ya?
P.S.S. Have you ever noticed there are no MALE sex robots?