Don’t Torture a Duckling

“Don’t” isn’t a word we normally associate with Joe Bob Briggs. I can’t imagine Joe Bob saying these sentences in the real world:

“Don’t put so much blood and gore in that movie!”

“Don’t grab me another Lone Star!”

“Don’t put so much nekkidness in that movie (or cooking show, for that matter)!”

Nonetheless, it was “Don’t Night” on the Last Drive-In. It was a New Year’s thing; JB explained that most New Year’s Resolutions start with “don’t.”

For example:

“Don’t eat so much”

“Don’t drink so much”

“Don’t smoke”

He admitted that  “Exercise more” appears to be an exception, but pointed out it really translates to “Don’t be so lazy.”

Joe Bob even came up with a “Don’t” resolution he could get behind: “Don’t call anyone un-American.” He said it chapped his hide. Calling another American “un-American” just because they disagree is not what this country is about. An essential part of being an American is the freedom to disagree.

So, Joe Bob resolved: If a person be a Democrat or a Republican; pro-choice or pro-life; Team Argento or Team Bava; a Swiftie or someone who loves real music; Christian or Jew or Muslim or Atheist or Jedi… Disagreeing on even the most important of issues doesn’t make anyone less of an American. So, Joe Bob resolved “Don’t call anyone un-American!”

Having established the utility of the word, “Don’t,” he announced “Don’t” night, with two films with titles beginning with “Don’t.”

The first was 1972’s Don’t Torture a Duckling, a giallo written and directed by Lucio Fulci.

JB made it clear this was a film you DON’T want to miss. In fact, later in the evening he would pronounce Don’t Torture a Duckling one of the best, perhaps the best, movie ever featured on the Last Drive-In. (The film also gave Darcy the opportunity to cosplay as a duckling.)

So, what made the film so great? Many things, including three of the greatest scream queens. Joe Bob told about them all.

First of all: Barbara Bouchet in a remarkable set piece featuring orange juice, full frontal nudity and a nine-year-old boy. Joe Bob explained that Italian audiences often considered a movie theater a social club with conversation and food. Set pieces on screen captured the audience’s attention, and this set piece with Barbara Bouchet certainly did that. 

Bouchet was born in Nazi-occupied Czechoslovakia, and after World War II she immigrated to the United States where she won the “Miss Gidget” competition. She was cast in major feature films: In Harm’s Way starring John Wayne, the James Bond spoof Casino Royale and the musical Sweet Charity at a time when nudity was becoming acceptable in films. Audiences certainly found Bouchet’s nudity more than acceptable.

Back to Duckling, though. Florinda Bolkan, another stunning beauty, plays a woman suspected of child murders. Another remarkable set piece in the film is the death of her character, beaten with chains. It’s as horrible as it sounds.

Bolkan was born in the boonies in Brazil. She worked as a secretary, became a stewardess and then broke into the film business as a lighting director. She began a relationship with a powerful woman producer, and began to be cast in films. But she would also be romantically linked with Richard Burton and President John F. Kennedy.

The third amazing woman featured in the film was Irene Papas. She was a major film star of the time featured in The Guns of Navarone, Z, and Anne of a Thousand Days. How did Fulci get such a major star to take a minor part in his film? It might have been the shared political viewpoint of the actress and the director. They were both Communists.

Fulci’s political and religious views did get him into some hot water over the years. Both church and government came down harshly on the film for its sex and violence. The film was also controversial for its religious content. (I can’t help but wonder if knowing about the condemnation from the church serves as a spoiler warning the audience about who the killer might be.)

Fulci is primarily known as a horror director these days, but he began his film career making sex comedies and dramas. This film is an expertly made mystery. Joe Bob pointed out that this film has one of the great third acts ever written.

What were the Drive-In totals for this film Joe Bob greatly admires? 

Don’t Go Into the Woods…. Alone!

Joe Bob brought up the question, “Why is the Last Drive-In showing this ‘Don’t’ film?” 

Darcy answered, “Because we couldn’t afford any of the others?”

They couldn’t show Don’t Breathe!, Don’t Answer the Phone!, Don’t Open the Door!, Don’t Go in the House! So many “Don’t” films didn’t have a chance. 

JB did not rave about this film. In fact, he said Don’t Go in the Woods… Alone would probably rank in the 10 worst “Don’t” films. He was much more kind than other critics have been through the years with such remarks as “It’s the Plan 9 of slasher films” and “It should be rated ‘X’ for eXcrement.”

In addition, he made it clear that this wasn’t one of those “So bad, it’s good” movies, Those, he said, they leave to MST3K.

Joe Bob admitted it was certainly a film that didn’t have too much plot to get in the way of the story (and to be honest, there also isn’t much story to get in the way of the plot, either).

The film was directed by James Bryant, who admitted that his favorite genre was “badfFilms.” Even more instrumental in creating the film was an agent, Peter Turner. (Joe Bob wasn’t sure if Turner was a real agent at the William Morris Agency or if he just had a desk on the property.)

Turner had an eclectic collection of clients, particularly writers, and Turner decided to get the script of one of his clients, Garth Eilassen, made. So, he called up all of his connections, and asked them if they would like to appear in this film whether they had any acting experience or not.

One of those actors was Dallas DJ, Ken “Hubcap” Carter, who played the sheriff in the film. When Joe Bob wrote his original review of Don’t Go Into the Woods, much of the space was used to chronicle the career of the radio legend. Joe Bob’s review was noted by Peter Turner, who took Joe Bob on as client.

But maybe you’re wondering what the film’s about? It’s about four friends who go into the woods. And a bunch of other people who go into the woods: a bird watcher, honeymooners, a guy in a wheelchair and quite a few others. They’re attacked by a killer wearing furs. Why does this madman kill? 

Darcy, for one, made it quite clear she doesn’t care why. “It’s just fun!”

In short, the film is trashy, cheesy and sleazy, ideal for the Mutant Family.

Here are Joe Bob’s totals for the film: