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The Last Drive-In | Joe Bob’s Red Christmas: Sad Songs

You didn't think Joe Bob would do a traditional holiday special, now did ya?

Editors Note: Readers are advised that the opinions of guest writers on this website may occasionally diverge from the infallible wisdom of Joe Bob Briggs, and in such cases, Joe Bob cannot be held responsible for any resulting confusion, enlightenment, quantum entanglement, or existential crises. Enjoy.

Published December 18, 2019

Dear Mutants,

Our National Diva Laureate, Elton John, said it best: Sad Songs Say So Much. Should Sir Elton be unable to perform his duties, Mutant Diva Alternate Sir John Brennan, is fully prepared to step in with Merry Red Christmas and other classics from his personal catalog like The Lizard Took a Shit, Vagina and Christopher Walken. But like Joe Bob, I digress.

By now, one thing should be abundantly clear: Joe Bob don’t do tradition when it comes to the holidays. Halloween Hootenanny treated us to a cornucopia of rant and rage that was weapon’s grade even by drive-in standards. It should come as no surprise then that Joe Bob’s Red Christmas was a deliciously indulgent feast of horror sadness with a side of Mail Girl homicide and silver linings for dessert. ‘Cause if it’s one thing MutantFam knows how to do, it’s take blood and make Bloody Marys.

Friday night, Joe Bob was in full fireside chat mode, complete with digital yule log and Tales from the Stitch dolls on the tree, including everyone’s favorite ornament: a crocheted Angela cutie in full Sleepaway Camp spoiler mode. Joe Bob’s Red Christmas came complete with three movies (Black Christmas, Jack Frost, Silent Night Deadly Night 2), two delicious Darcy costume changes, and – at Joe Bob’s request – one really really sentimental, self-pitying and sad [Christmas song]…but from within me. The result…?

Lonely Red Christmas

I don’t need no tinsel, you can keep that Christmas tree

The night is so damn silent, ‘cept for all the screams

The only snow I’m seein is the static on TV

‘Cause this year it’s the VCR and me

I’m settlin in for a lonely Red Christmas

The only color that makes me whole

It’s another Red Christmas and I’m all alone

The only yule I’ve ever known

See those shadows dancing, my only company

The movie credits roll now, as I drift off to sleep

The only sound I’m hearin is a cricket symphony

This year, it’s the VCR and me

I’m settlin in for a lonely Red Christmas

The only color that makes me whole

It’s another Red Christmas and I’m all alone

The only yule I’ll ever know

Next year might be different

I don’t know

If that wad’n enough to bring a tear to your eye, Red Christmas featured deeply personal stories from Joe Bob and Darcy themselves: The “Big Guy’s” broke days during the recession when not even his NYC Metro Card had money on it and our Mail Girl’s literal escape, with her autistic son, from an abusive husband. Their stories should inspire everyone to believe that things can get better, even when it feels like the end of the line.

Flash forward to 2019. Darcy’s website, kinkyhorror.com, is in its seventh year (check out her roadtrip Geek Tawk podcast with none other than JBB himself) and she has been our beloved Mail Girl through her shy first marathon, four subsequent holiday specials and a spectacular first season of The Last Drive-In. And Season 2 promises to be even better with the addition of The Silver Bolo Award, a weekly recognition of create horror creators across the innerwebs. LDI’s first winner was Dinosaur Dracula!

Just a few examples of how life will put a U-turn or exit ramp on the Human Sadness Superhighway right when you need it most. If fact, if you watch Joe Bob’s Red Christmas backwards, all the sad stories, Hollywood career mishaps, and triple feature plot points get reversed:

Margot Kidder, Bob Clark and Christopher Allport live longer, fuller lives
Edmond O’Brien’s gets to play Lt. Fuller
Kier Dullea’s orgy scenes in De Sade bring the kink like they were supposed to
Ryan keeps his secret oatmeal recipe
Shannon Elizabeth is unsullied by a garden vegetable
Grifter Santa does not commit road-side carjacking and maternal rape
Directors get to make sequels with all new footage
Musicians actually play their instruments during a John Cage concert
Nobody thinks Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is loaded with subversive Communist, sexist, racist, homophobic messages
And all the horror hosts show up when Joe Bob calls

You know who DOES show up? #MutantFam. In Joe Bob’s own words:

“The fans will always be there. The film family will always find me…And who got me back in the hosting chair? The fans. We did the marathon. The fans showed up. And that’s why we have to take care of the fans cause they never go away….those are the real guests at the party.”

So let’s gather around the bloody antlers, the late Darcy and sing a carol. Because we’re here for Joe Bob, Darcy and the whole Last Drive-In crew every day and twice on Sunday.

Art by the fabulous T.J. Denton – @tdenton_1138

XOXO,

Your Gratuitous Blogger and everybody at JoeBobBriggs.com: TJ, Ben, Web Designer Greg Motta and our Den Mother / Joe Bob’s tireless assistant, Tracy.

P.S. NAUGHTY! PUNISH!

Gregory Motta

A man of many talents, most of which involve staring at screens for unhealthy periods of time. When he's not busy contributing to Joe Bob Briggs' web presence with code or pithy commentary, he helms Motta Industries Inc, a California based Web Development company. His writing style can best be described as "caffeinated stream of consciousness with a dash of existential dread."