Dear Mutants,
Our National Diva Laureate, Elton John, said it best: Sad Songs Say So Much. Should Sir Elton be unable to perform his duties, Mutant Diva Alternate Sir John Brennan, is fully prepared to step in with Merry Red Christmas and other classics from his personal catalog like The Lizard Took a Shit, Vagina and Christopher Walken. But like Joe Bob, I digress.
By now, one thing should be abundantly clear: Joe Bob donโt do tradition when it comes to the holidays. Halloween Hootenanny treated us to a cornucopia of rant and rage that was weaponโs grade even by drive-in standards. It should come as no surprise then that Joe Bobโs Red Christmas was a deliciously indulgent feast of horror sadness with a side of Mail Girl homicide and silver linings for dessert. โCause if itโs one thing MutantFam knows how to do, itโs take blood and make Bloody Marys.
Friday night, Joe Bob was in full fireside chat mode, complete with digital yule log and Tales from the Stitch dolls on the tree, including everyoneโs favorite ornament: a crocheted Angela cutie in full Sleepaway Camp spoiler mode. Joe Bobโs Red Christmas came complete with three movies (Black Christmas, Jack Frost, Silent Night Deadly Night 2), two delicious Darcy costume changes, and โ at Joe Bobโs request โ one really really sentimental, self-pitying and sad [Christmas song]โฆbut from within me. The result…?
Lonely Red Christmas
I donโt need no tinsel, you can keep that Christmas tree
The night is so damn silent, โcept for all the screams
The only snow Iโm seein is the static on TV
โCause this year itโs the VCR and me
Iโm settlin in for a lonely Red Christmas
The only color that makes me whole
Itโs another Red Christmas and Iโm all alone
The only yule Iโve ever known
See those shadows dancing, my only company
The movie credits roll now, as I drift off to sleep
The only sound Iโm hearin is a cricket symphony
This year, itโs the VCR and me
Iโm settlin in for a lonely Red Christmas
The only color that makes me whole
Itโs another Red Christmas and Iโm all alone
The only yule Iโll ever know
Next year might be different
I donโt know
If that wadโn enough to bring a tear to your eye, Red Christmas featured deeply personal stories from Joe Bob and Darcy themselves: The โBig Guyโsโ broke days during the recession when not even his NYC Metro Card had money on it and our Mail Girlโs literal escape, with her autistic son, from an abusive husband. Their stories should inspire everyone to believe that things can get better, even when it feels like the end of the line.
Flash forward to 2019. Darcyโs website, kinkyhorror.com, is in its seventh year (check out her roadtrip Geek Tawk podcast with none other than JBB himself) and she has been our beloved Mail Girl through her shy first marathon, four subsequent holiday specials and a spectacular first season of The Last Drive-In. And Season 2 promises to be even better with the addition of The Silver Bolo Award, a weekly recognition of create horror creators across the innerwebs. LDIโs first winner was Dinosaur Dracula!
Just a few examples of how life will put a U-turn or exit ramp on the Human Sadness Superhighway right when you need it most. If fact, if you watch Joe Bobโs Red Christmas backwards, all the sad stories, Hollywood career mishaps, and triple feature plot points get reversed:
- Margot Kidder, Bob Clark and Christopher Allport live longer, fuller lives
- Edmond OโBrienโs gets to play Lt. Fuller
- Kier Dulleaโs orgy scenes in De Sade bring the kink like they were supposed to
- Ryan keeps his secret oatmeal recipe
- Shannon Elizabeth is unsullied by a garden vegetable
- Grifter Santa does not commit road-side carjacking and maternal rape
- Directors get to make sequels with all new footage
- Musicians actually play their instruments during a John Cage concert
- Nobody thinks Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is loaded with subversive Communist, sexist, racist, homophobic messages
- And all the horror hosts show up when Joe Bob calls
You know who DOES show up? #MutantFam. In Joe Bobโs own words:
โThe fans will always be there. The film family will always find meโฆAnd who got me back in the hosting chair? The fans. We did the marathon. The fans showed up. And thatโs why we have to take care of the fans cause they never go awayโฆ.those are the real guests at the party.โ
So letโs gather around the bloody antlers, the late Darcy and sing a carol. Because weโre here for Joe Bob, Darcy and the whole Last Drive-In crew every day and twice on Sunday.

XOXO,
Your Gratuitous Blogger and everybody at JoeBobBriggs.com: TJ, Ben, Web Designer Greg Motta and our Den Mother / Joe Bobโs tireless assistant, Tracy.
P.S. NAUGHTY! PUNISH!
