All Demons, All the Time, and Our First Spaghetti Slasher
Length: 2:05. Hours In: 19:47. Time: 2:42 p.m. Saturday
A brief introduction from Your Gratuitous Blogger before we get to the Joe Bob good stuff….
Démoni! In the 947thhour of his faux-well tour, our drive-in dreams came true: Joe Bob did Argento. Well almost. While far from mirroring the film’s interchangeable characters,Demonsproves it takes a lot more Eye-Talians – Bava! Sacchetti! Ferrini! Barberini! Simonetti! – to make a cheesy horror flick than it takes to make a good one.Demonswould be the first of two spaghetti slashers in the marathon and our drive-in introduction to their recurring themes:
- Plots made of hooey? Check.
- Italy’s love of America as Stunt Double? Check.
- Recurring voiceover talents you’ll soon recognize in your sleep? Check. Check. Check.
And because you never know when you might need a conversation ender at your next cocktail party…
Joe Bob’s Complete History of Démoni
“Take out your notebooks. We’re gonna go over this ONE TIME and ONE TIME ONLY. Demonswas originally supposed to be part of a trilogy.Demons, Demons 2andDemons 3. Demons 2was basically the same asDemons 1with some grosser zombie effects, and those were both directed by Lamberto Bava. ButDemons 3was supposed to be based on a story by M.R. James calledThe Church. So by the time Michele Soavi directedDemons 3, he decided he didn’t want to be associated withDemons 1orDemons 2even though, as I pointed out earlier, he’s the actor who plays the man with the silver face mask — actually he has two roles inDemons 1, he’s also Jerry in the black-and-white film-within-the-film. So Soavi decides his movie is better thanDemons UnoandTwo-oand so he changes his title back toThe Church.
“Now they don’t have aDemons 3. So Lamberto Bava is making another movie — we’re up to 1988 now — calledThe Ogre. It was made for a TV series in Italy and then recut to play as a feature film outside of Italy, and it had nothing to do withDemons, but they released it asDemons 3: The Ogre. Except in the countries where nobody wantedThe Ogre, and so in THOSE countries there was a movie by Umberto Lenzi calledBlack Demonsthat was released asDemons 3.
“Let me review. We’re now up toDemons 3in the series and we have five movies, only two of which have anything to do withDemons.
“Next, for no reason anyone can figure out, a Michele Soavi movie calledThe Sectis released asDemons 4. Apparently Michele had changed his views after seeing the box office returns on a horror movie entitledTHE CHURCH.
“I’m not finished. Lamberto Bava now remakes the most famous movie of his father Mario Bava — Black Sunday — and it’s calledThe Devil’s Veil, only at the last minute he goes, ‘Screw that,’ and releases it asDemons 5. Which brings us to 1989 when Luigi Cozzi madeThe Black Catwith Urbano Barberini but decided, hey, everyone else is doing it, I’ve got Urbano Barberini, they don’t — DEMONS FRICKING SIX. Then Cozzi goes out and does interviews and says thatDemons 6: De Profundisis actually the third film in Dario Argento’s trilogy that started withSuspiriaandInferno, which made even less sense because that trilogy — called the Three Mothers series — existed only in Dario’s head.
“By the way,Demonswas made for $1.8 million, but it made such a huge pile of money that Bava and Argento IMMEDIATELY filmed the sequel, using many of the actors who were killed in the first one, and that film came out so fast that it played in Germany before the FIRSTDemonshad played there. Therefore, in Germany and Germany alone, which is where the story supposedly takes place, thisDemonsthat we’re watching is actuallyDemons 2, and the movie we think of asDemons 2isDemons.
“You probably think I’m finished now. That would be a mistake on your part.
“In 1994, Michele Soavi makes probably his best film,Cemetery Man. Why are we talking about that? Because it appeared on DVD as . . .Demons 95.
” ‘Why?’ you ask. ‘Why all these fake Demoni?’ “
“Because … they’re Italian … And you know how these guys can talk something to freakin death …”
No, Joe Bob, we wouldn’t know anything about that. If that and a cup of pine tar espresso didn’t get you through the home stretch, nothing will.
Tear in Your Beer Moment: Mario Bava calling in sick so his son Lamberto could take the helm. Joe Bob’s mention ofWorld of Horror, a fantastic documentary and the Gratuitous Blogger’s personal introduction to all things Argento. I don’t know where I’d be without my maestros – the one from Italy or the one from Grapevine, Texas.
26 Dead Bodies | 1 Breast (that may be the only time this has ever happened – a single!) | Two Hangings | 17 Gallons Blood One Motor Vehicle Chase | One Helicopter Crash | Slime Spewing |
Eyeball Clawing | Projection-Booth Smashing | Razor Slicing | Boyfriend Eating | Finger Chomping | Classic Transformation Scene in Which a Demon Crawls out of a Girl’s Back Bloody Zit Popping |
Head Hacking | Purple Jugular-Vein Tumor-Throbbing | Heads Roll | Hand Rolls | Gratuitous Cokeheads | Coke Machine Fu | Yamaha Fu Grapple Hook Fu
A 97 on the Vomit Meter!
Rating: 4 Balls. And the Tall Man Goes To:Every filmmaker in Italy, Darcy’s cosplay
All artwork by T.J. Denton – @tdenton_1138
First Marathon Mention of a Recurring Joe Bob Theme: Plot getting in the way of the story
EPISODE BONUS: Unrealistic use of Go West to capture the cavorting razor-blade lifestyle of a bunch of punk-rock cokeheads
Not-At-All-Official Last-Drive-In Anniversary Bracket Results: Lost in Round 1 toRe-Animator
Totally Tangential Phantasm Tie-In: Ooze. Goo. Large buildings with fucked-up geographies.
Next Up: Eleven-o to the bitter end-o…
